At the end of the day the things that I really wish I could just make better are the things that should be a given. I want to give my children their childhood back. How do I go back and make things normal for them?
Nobody dreams growing up that their happy ever after of a picket fence and kids will really be struggle after struggle. The things we took for granted growing up are so out of reach for my children. Dad waving as your up to bat. Cheering you on as you serve that volleyball over the net. Standing there applauding as you deliver your lines on the school play. Tucking you in at night and reading you a bed time story.
The reality is Dad is overwhelmed with despair. He feels like he is no longer a man because he can't staunch the flow of tears. He has such high expectations of them because his life has shown him that even when you do it right life is unfair. He can't give them hope because he himself has NONE!!!
I want my children to have the memories of family vacations and they do have some but they are with their friends families or my parents. The memories of ours consist of packing the car and then not leaving because Dad just can't face the world. He loves them and they know it. But they also know we don't make any loud sudden noises to include laughing. That is so NOT what I dreamt of for my children!
How do you explain to them when they ask but Daddy was in the Army why don't they fix him? Out of the mouths of babes right? The battle that is waged on a daily basis in our home is so time consuming that not only do they have little input or support from their father but their mother is exhausted and short tempered as well.
Life is so unfair. I know we are not alone and while that gives a sick sense of comfort mostly it just makes me feel sick. This generation of our children will grow up and have their children. What kind of long term cycle is this creating? What lingering issues will this cause? What kind of havoc will this cause for my children and their self esteem in the years to come.
The upside is that their father is alive but at this rate and the constant fight for resolution for him I don't even know how long that will be a reality and then what new issues will that bring? At least they know their father loves them and of that they have no doubt.