VeteranCaregiver Blog

Missed Appointments & Records . . .

2012-02-23T09:46:00.001-08:00

Good afternoon,

This is not a new topic, but two things have made up the bulk of calls this week from Caregivers: (1) Appointments cancelled by VA, but not communicated to the Caregiver or Veteran, and (2) The written medical record account of the same incident.

In our view, communication is nearly everything. It is about logistics, use of resources, and most of all, respect for everyone's time. When a veteran misses an appointment, it is often characterized as a serious problem and the record reflects notes such as "Veteran refused treatment", "No show", "Missed appointment". Fair enough. But, when families drive hours to a series of mental health appointments and arrive to discover that the physician is absent for any reason, it presents a bigger problem for all concerned.

Veterans in most cases are trying to become well. Caregivers are working hard to manage appointments, travel, logistics, and most of all their veteran. Surprises are not welcomed by those with PTSD. And, to find the medical record later reflecting an inaccurate assessment - well, that isn't a good faith effort. It comes as no surprise to us that many of the more desperate phone calls focus/obsess on the slap of an unfair record of a simple mistake. Let's face it, mistakes can be made and "oops" moments do occur. However, a simple apology and a confirmation text, email, or call would be welcomed.

The provider isn't perfect, but may we caution that the provider may need to step up their communication and customer service efforts? And, Caregivers, a quick call to confirm before driving hours might well be advised. Courtesy just might become contagious!

Linda

Leadership: Do They Know?

2012-02-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

Good morning,

Here’s a question for you that we have been asked no less than 11 times in the last two weeks: “Do you feel the leadership (DoD, VA, service branches, Caregiver Coordinators) truly understand what Caregivers experience?”

This is a volatile question, to which I give no answer, but listen for the occasion that elicited the comment. There is great frustration by Caregivers that we hear often, and I think it boils down to this: Leadership is shielded from the family caregiver experience. We believe there are good leaders who care, but there are many surrounding them who keep controversy from their bosses. Is this good? In our opinion, no. For without real observed examples, the leader is not leading with the right information. And, can you fix something if you don’t know it is happening? No.

Daily living essentials matter. For a month recently, there was no hot water at one of the residence barracks at Walter Reed. For a month. Despite many mentions of this problem at group meetings, it wasn’t until the problem was quietly researched that progress was made. The contractor, subcontractor, and sub-subcontractor were contacted to ensure the event was reported appropriately to maintenance and afterward, the resultant mixing valve issue was solved. See, once they knew, proper process was followed and problem resolved. Hot water is pretty necessary for health and hygiene, wouldn’t you say?

Invisible Injuries are still invisible. A caregiver at a recent VA appointment was asked “Why aren’t you looking for a job? He’s doing so much better,”. She then explained the severe lack of short term memory for her husband that nearly resulted in a home fire catastrophe the previous week. Better yes, but good enough to leave unattended and take on a job? No. The doctor doesn’t live with your veteran 24/7 – you do. See that the record reflects the reality of your experience.

We suggest this to you. Respectfully note and bring real-life caregiving challenges to your appointments and town hall meetings. Unless leadership know about them, they cannot research situations or make changes. And, if they are not amenable, or there are repercussions, there is help. We must collectively raise the visibility of caregiver experiences to bring about positive change. Share your Caregiver challenges (and wins) in order to make it real. Together, let’s help leadership to lead!

Linda

White House Caregiver Event

2012-02-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Greetings!

On Monday, January 30^th, we were privileged to join the First Lady at the Department of Labor as she announced proposed extended benefits to Caregivers of the nation’s wounded, ill, or injured service members and veterans. Many Caregivers and vets from VeteranCaregiver were present, as well as many of the Caregivers and service members we assist at Bethesda. To have these amazing Caregivers in one room together was a rare opportunity for face to face camaraderie!

Caregiving is not sexy. The role of Caregivers is very hard to define to the general public. It is not a photo op with a service dog or a golf tournament. It is instead, a quiet, relentless, worthy, and necessary adjunct to recovery for our service members and veterans. It takes courage, passion, strength of purpose, and grit to navigate the complex medical system, and to advocate and coordinate efforts for their family member every single day. The recovery continuum is unimaginable without Caregivers.

This event signified the importance and priority of Caregivers in a quiet, but powerful way by the attendee list, and joining the First Lady were:

- The Secretaries from the Departments of Defense, VA, and Labor

- The Secretaries of the Army, Navy, and Air Force, and

- The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and all the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Specifically, the First Lady spoke of a proposed rule to extend the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to qualifying family members of veterans dealing with a serious injury or illness for up to five years after leaving the service. This is a change from supporting only family members of “currently serving” service members. This proposed rule would also cover those in the regular armed forces instead of the current entitlement for only those in the Guard or Reserves. And, addressing one of the most critical challenges facing Caregivers, Mrs. Obama also spoke of new programs to address critically high unemployment among Caregivers and veterans by announcing 14 hiring fairs with the Chamber of Commerce, including one to be held at Bethesda.

Caregiving defines love in new ways under new circumstances. And, most Americans are completely unaware of the significant, vital role that Caregivers fulfill day in and day out. We hope that this event will be the beginning of recognition of the essential role of Caregivers to our service and veteran families. As always, honor and praise go to all Caregivers, you are recognized daily by this VCG Community!

Very respectfully,

Linda

Suicide Straight Talk: Transforming Taboo to Hope

2012-01-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Greetings, friends,

Last night, I was sent this blog posting by a veteran and asked to post it if I felt it was worthwhile. I thought it was striking and very relevant. Please let us know your thoughts on this difficult topic here or on Veterancaregiver. Here it is:

I recently had a discussion with a person who is advocating for veterans with PTSD that went down the road of talking about suicide. For me, having been through my own issues with not wanting to live, having been first and second hand witness to others taking their lives, the topic doesn't scare me. As I relayed my thoughts about suicide and other subjects of significantly less importance I realized the person had fled somewhere inside their mind. Then the walls went up and the discussion was over. It was like I was a very scary person for being so plain and being so up front about this topic. I was surprised and mystified.

I have been involved in spiritual groups from many traditions, psych groups of all kinds and though we'll talk all about disease and people killing each other and even advocate, some from a very clearly spiritual place, that it's quite all right to kill people who may or may not be a threat to the proverbial us/U.S., it would seem the subject of suicide is still taboo.

I told another person I consider to be a friend that I think this is wrong and backward. If the collective we aren't supposed to talk about it how are we to heal it? Suicidality shows as a symptom in a larger cluster of symptoms for many mental illnesses and also for illnesses deemed terminal. Here's the problem. We'll go to extremes in health care to manage symptoms that cause discomfort but the ONE symptom that will cause death we treat in a completely different manner. We're told NOT to talk about it. We're told to let someone else at a call center who has never met our loved one talk to them. Basically, we're told to be quiet, let the professionals handle it and tell the same to our vets.

Now wait a minute. Convince me that some stranger knows my vet or that my vet knows anyone who knows how they're feeling BETTER than me or my vet does. I'm not buying it. So now the caregiver is made even more uncomfortable because they've been told they know less about someone they love and they've gotten the double whammy of being told they're just not capable of handling things. That's not character building and now it's possible there is a wall in a relationship that might not have been there before.

Consider this from the veteran's perspective. The vet talks to the person they trust probably the most about the subject and thinks they have made a wise choice. But it all goes sideways because caregivers are being told they can't handle this. If then the next stop is diversion to a crisis hotline and the call goes well the vet is still left to believe that their person who they chose to trust, probably for good reasons, isn't who they're SUPPOSED to talk with. The vet is left feeling that they don't know themselves, can't make sound decisions and suicidal statements of any kind will get the police called to take them for supervision on a psych unit. Obviously, you don't want to dis-empower someone who is experiencing a symptom that can kill them. But having been through this that is exactly what happens.

Many vets have vowed never to call for help if they need it and since they were told either explicitly or implicitly that they should have known not to talk to the person/people they trust, now the system has very effectively isolated them. Sadly, isolation is also a symptom that has a high potential to kill and has been proven to drive people over the edge who were plainly functional before they were isolated. If this sounds too extreme consider the topic.

Now consider that we train our military to kill people. Every single person in the military, unless they didn't make it out of their initial training, is trained to kill. Right now we have a slew of folks coming home who have been in theater, reacting, and their transition back to civilian life or even just every day military life at home is completely different. When you have viewed life through red alert long enough, fight or flee, kill or be killed, or freeze to avoid any notice, NOTHING is normal anymore. Every single thing is processed through this new normal. Healing can be had but it doesn't happen overnight and if we don't encourage people to talk who have been trained to kill, the results, as proven already by statistics, are going to be horrible.

My bottom line is this. I've been there. I've attempted and failed. I've thought a lot about that and I've still thought about dying by my own hands. I have watched the aftermath of that and also experienced suicide this winter by a friend of someone who is very dear to me who was brilliant and had a beautiful wife and baby girl. His diagnosis? Major Depression. Depression didn't kill him; suicidality as a taboo symptom acted out killed him. I have isolated myself from people who might listen because I'm terrified they won't. Why? Because I've been told I'm wrong and crazy and that somebody knows better than me about me and somebody knows better than the people who love me.

I am certain this is wrong. We need to push for VA and the DoD to help caregivers and veterans and/or those still enlisted to OPENLY talk about suicide. We need to talk about that SYMPTOM because there's a good chance in this case the diseases and disorders can be managed but that symptom will kill you. We need to stop punishing and demeaning people who may not be trained in psych but do possess common sense and love their people. The folks who love me can call 911 just as easily as somebody in a call center and they might actually be able to speak intelligently about what led up to the symptom escalating. We need to stop punishing people who have this symptom and want to just talk because if somebody is actively suicidal the Hell in their mind is far greater than any punitive or embarrassing action someone will take against them. Too many veterans have closed their mouths because of interactions like this. We need to let our heroes come home again, no matter how many years later, without the stigma.

Until the statistics change for the better we need to keep talking about SUICIDE. We need to form groups to talk ABOUT SUICIDE. We need to stop telling people that a symptom is a crime because though not taken to prison, suicide is against the law in every state in this nation. We need to empower people to lift one another up. We need to enable and encourage caregivers and their vets to talk about this subject openly and to invite in care as they need and want it. We need to have a complete change of policy with DoD so that enlisted military can talk without fear of repercussion. We need to recognize that this is a United States of America problem and we all have a responsibility to unite and help shift it to a living solution.

The greatest wars are the ones fought in our hearts. Let's bring these warriors hearts together in respect and understanding. It is long past time.

With Great Peace and Hope,

A USA vet

Does the Full Moon Effect You and/or Your Vet?

2012-01-08T16:51:00.000-08:00

Hi friends,

Short posting to ask you to be aware of a phenomenon we’ve noted each month.

Does the full moon tend to bring out heightened emotions, more angst, shorter emotional fuses, and more agitation about things that mostly go by without mention? We know that the ER staffs talk about it, and we’re curious whether you’ve seen this lunar connection? And, can you plan for greater understanding and grace if you do see it; please let us know! J

Wishing you a calm night under the very full and bright moon!

Linda

Light Thoughts and Knucklehead Moments of 2011

2012-01-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hi friends,

Happy New Year!

I was lightly pondering 2011 yesterday and thinking that there were some moments I laugh at now, but wondered at the time if I’d lost my marbles? (That is not an open invitation for you to send zingers, okay?) J I chalk these things up to fatigue or overload and I’m sure you have your own list? Of course there will be new mistakes, but just maybe I can learn some basic things from NOT doing these again:

· Losing my car in the Pentagon City parking garage (rescued by a kind woman who drove me around 5 levels)

· Setting my alarm for 330 instead of 530, and out the door and in the car before I realized what I’d done… (traffic in DC is not that bad!)

· Reaching for and nearly spraying myself with the Febreeze instead of perfume that same morning

· Forgetting my ID – and not being able to return a Caregiver to Barracks at Bethesda (really nice one, Linda!)

· Posting a Blob, not a Blog…

· Going suddenly speechless and searching for words at an important business dinner (very unlike me!)

· Backing into a hot motorcycle pipe in a garage and pretending that huge circular burn on my leg wasn’t there (“Oh that??”)

· Losing my car again, this time at WRNNMC in the garage called America; of course wearing un-sensible shoes

So, now that I’ve demonstrated that multi-tasking for me means doing everything less well, I hereby vow to stop doing 13 things at once! In 2012, I will be looking for new mistakes to learn from. And, I think we can all learn to laugh at ourselves, especially when we're tired. I'm vowing not to let the sound of my own laughter sound foreign to my ears, how about you?

There’s no app for that yet. J

Wishing you a wonderful New Year ahead. Let’s keep on learning and laughing together!

Cheers,

Linda

PS: The picture below is from a hill nearby and is the last sunset of 2011.

A Time of Wonder

2011-12-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

Hi friends,

Recently I have shared some holiday celebrations with wounded warriors from Walter Reed. In just the last three months, these families have experienced a move to a new facility, an earthquake, a hurricane, continued recovery, and now the holiday season is upon us. While many of us go to holiday parties, I challenge you to consider our incredible Warriors during this holiday season. Such scenes of simple joy in families who have endured heavy challenges this year deserve recognition.

Consider a young soldier with a serious neurosurgery two days out grinning from ear to ear as the British ambassador greets him, completely unselfconciously and proudly introducing his girlfriend. Picture children lined up to “play” the Australian instrument, a didgeridoo that I swear is where the “Droid” sound derives! Consider multiple service members in wheel chairs in full dress uniforms with small babies and toddlers clamoring to tug at their ears, mouths, and medals while dignitaries deliver toasts to their valor. They’re focused on their child… Picture a Christmas party in the Warrior Café and the loud sound of a zillion conversations and cheers over raffle drawings for generous gift donations. Relish in the group hug of families and friends who didn’t know each other until recently, joined in the common goal of support and healing. My personal favorite is when these courageous men and women readily demonstrate they are truly shining human beings we would do well to emulate.

Why am I writing about this? Because I have the privilege of new friends, new experiences, and new appreciation for our Warriors this year and especially … wait for it … their Caregivers. Last year, many of these same warriors and caregivers were in vastly different medical phases. Yes, many, many warriors and families spend multiple Christmas celebrations and New Year entries at the hospital. Progress is often slow, but it IS progress!

Caregivers, we salute you today and everyday. It is a special time of year, and we are making steady progress with raising awareness of what you manage on a daily basis. Make it a very good week!

Blessings and care,

Linda

Did You Know Vet = Cry?

2011-12-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

Good morning,

A quick thought this morning as the day begins. J

Do you ever text message on your phone with the letters doubled up on the keys? On my Blackberry, it’s called SureText. Yesterday I was texting a veteran, and when I re-read the text message before I hit Send, I realized that each time I’d texted “Vet”, that it had typed “Cry”. The doubled up letters on the keys had translated my words inadvertantly. Obviously, I corrected each auto-text word, but it stuck in my mind.

Irony? I’ll let you be the judge...

Sure wish the alternative text words were Vet = Awe(some)!

Linda

Nostalgia

2011-12-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

Nostalgia as defined by Webster includes a definition stating: "a wistful or sentimental yearning for return to the past". We all have memories we cherish and those we'd like to forget, but nostalgia can also be a healing practice. How often do you take the time to consider the progress, Caregivers?

Was your life truly simpler “before”, or simply different? Though difficult to view from today’s vantage point, are you proud of the changes you have mastered (or weathered) to sustain yourself and your veteran today? Helped your family to adapt? Or, if a veteran, have you grown through the (perhaps unwelcomed but everpresent) challenges placed in your path? What was life like before you knew the terms PTSD,TBI, and PolyTrauma so intimately? Have you learned new skills of organization, persistence, digging into research, and feeling accomplishment?

Someone once said, “As long as you’re learning, the experience will be valuable”. Have you considered that many years from now, you will have built new memories to base your nostalgia on? Conversely, maybe you'll feel nothing but freedom from those older memories once you've progressed to a higher functioning level. And, just maybe, you’re so darn glad to have an Alive Day to celebrate in your home, that you now view that date with nostalgia and gratitude.

As we enter this busy season and end of year, please know the great pride and strong support and care we feel here for your service. Your ENTIRE family serves, and we applaud Caregivers, veterans, service members, parents, spouses, relatives and friends, and especially the children for the obligations they carry daily. Nearly all of us are nostalgic for the time prior to 9/11 – a time of innocence lost. Though deep reservoirs of trust have been misplaced, please know how honored we are to connect, correspond, and support you.

Blessings,

Linda

VA and DoD Caregiver Program Update

2011-11-11T08:47:00.001-08:00

Here is the latest information directly from VA and DoD staff yesterday on the status of the VA Caregiver Program and the DoD Recovery Care Coordinators (RCC’s) for you:

The Veterans Caregiver Program now:

- To date, 1,884 Primary Caregivers are assigned and receiving stipends

- $10.7MM have been distributed to date

- Caregivers are 69% spouses, 9% parents, and 22% Other

- The age distribution is 28% 26-40yrs, 34% 41-64yrs, and 34% >65yrs

- Caregiver Website has 868 hits/day, 2.9 page views/user for 2077 page views/day

- Caregiver Helpline has taken 19,000 calls to date equaling 150 calls/day

- Caregiver Support Coordinators are assigned to 153 VA facilities as clinical experts for CG’s

- CG Coordinators’ role is to “Ensure Caregiver sensitivity into all VA programs”

The Caregiver Education and Training components by VA and Easter Seals have distributed 2,000 Handbooks (77 of them in Spanish), held 21 two-day trainings, and of the 100 Caregivers trained, 76 completed both days of training. Six hundred fifty (650) Caregivers have taken the online training, with 544 completions. Education and training was not originally designed to be disease/condition specific, but beginning in the summer of 2012, modules will be begin to be released for PTSD, then dementia, spinal cord injury, and TBI. A Peer Support Mentoring Program will be rolled out in January for Caregivers of all eras, with mentor training and ongoing support for this new role.

Federal Recovery Coordinators have grown to 55 strong, and the Caregiver Program and the FRC/RCC programs are physically on the same floor at VACO which enhances the collaborative effort. The Washington Post is conducting interviews this week regarding the DoD/VA efforts to support transition.

On the DoD side of the continuum of care:

- Recovery Care Coordinators (RCC’s) are made available and/or assigned to wounded warriors

- Of those in the program, 122 of the 188 service members are Marines. It is anticipated the Army will soon grow their numbers and participation.

- Army currently has 14,280 in the WTU nationwide with a cadre of 4,000 support staff. Of the 14,280, 10,000 soldiers are Reservists.

- The WTU has ensured that “the family aspects are well taken care of”

We’ll pass on fresh information as it is provided.

VeteranCaregiver Team

CBS News Caregiver Broadcast

2011-11-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Greetings,
Here is the promised CBS News video of our treasured friend and her daughter:

Please spread the word so that Caregivers' needs and challenges are better understood!

Linda

Awareness is Key!

2011-10-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,
We send you a rallying call today: keep sharing the vital role of Caregivers in the Continuum of Care!
We never use those words glibly: Continuum of Care. Caregivers know it is by their actions and commitment that compassionate care supports our brave injured, ill, or wounded troops. We know that you are the essential backbone of that care, and that your crucial role is often overlooked.

Recently, more serious media attention has been given to warriors, veterans, and their Caregivers. After the September 27th NY Times article on Veteran Caregiving, the CBS News evening broadcast included a piece on Warrior Caregiving on October 7th (above photo, video to follow). On Saturday, Pamela Eggleston of Blue Star Families and I participated in a panel discussion regarding women veterans and service family needs, including the value of Caregivers in recovery (below). Very tough topics such as MST (military sexual trauma or rape/assault), equity in benefits for Guard/Reserve, and the evolving VA medical system to address women's issues were discussed, and Caregiving needs resonated with the attendees.

We are spending significant time talking with DoD and VA leadership about proactive assistance and timely follow-through. There is unfortunate bureaucracy in managing chronic pain, depression, invisible injuries (PTS and TBI), family health issues, and comprehensive care plans. Suicide prevention will always be a deep concern. As you are aware, under the "feel good" stories are unresolved darker stories that may follow if we do not keep assertively sharing service family challenges and casting light into the dimmer corners.

In short, we appreciate you and your commitment. Maya Angelou said this: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Tell your stories and shine the Light !

Linda

PS: Even our foreign counterparts are requesting briefings about the role of Caregiving in reintegration after injury. Let your voices be heard!

Peer Networks & Suicide Prevention

2011-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,
Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk to an influential group about the value of peer networks for suicide prevention. It's readily apparent that the integrity of any support program is demonstrated with building trust in every interaction. It was a relief to share your thoughts (provided to me over time) and perceptions of the official tools and processes in place. My hope is that there was greater understanding following the meeting.
It's sometimes possible to feel alienated from leadership because of well-meaning gatekeepers. Provided the opportunity to share directly with leadership was refreshing -- and daunting. We are not clinicians, but we DO care and support. And, you've proven time and time again, that helping others helps you. I know it does for me. We now have more tools in place, and also an agreement with the Veterans Crisis Line to provide a "warm transfer" should you wish help in placing that call on your own. We're with you!
Regarding my blog post of last week about a caregiver outreach piece, the piece has been delayed and I will have it for you next week. Once I receive a copy, you will have it first thereafter!
Make it a good week, and When In Doubt, Reach Out!

Linda

Courage

2011-10-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

Hi friends,
This posting is very brief, but I wanted to highlight a quality that we have seen exemplified on VeteranCaregiver over and over again: Courage.

Courage is the integrity to continue your caregiving mission though it often seems no one cares or notices.
Courage means putting one foot in front of the other even when you question whether you have the strength.
Courage is picking up the phone to leave yet another message, though you're unsure it will be acknowledged or returned.
Courage is pressing past the bureaucracy or pettiness of perceived power.
Courage is researching, questioning, seeking the best possible care for your veteran or warrior.
Courage is fighting through the brain fog to think and reason.
Courage is reaching out and asking for help. For support. For solace.
Courage is knowing that you and your veteran matter -- and that others know your heart.

We are honored to be among Caregivers, Veterans, and Wounded Warriors who exemplify Courage.

Hold tight to your Courage, because on Friday, you will have a voice through one of our Caregivers on a national scale. We think you'll be very proud of your fellow Caregiver, and the opportunity to be heard. The veil of invisibility will lift, and your cause will be known.

Stay tuned, and blessings to the men and women of Courage!

Linda

Suicide Prevention Month

2011-09-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

Through all the summer turmoil of torrid heat, tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, and a hurricane, and personal crises too numerous to mention individually, we now arrive in September, or Suicide Prevention Month. What does this really mean?

All too well, we know that Suicide Prevention is a constant and active choice. It happens hour by hour, day by day, by those who care. So many studies now affirm that caring peers and friends can help others to choose life over the very final decision to take their own lives. Nearly all in this VCG Community can attest to the day a VCG Hug arrived at a crucial moment, someone took the time to reach out when silence was noted, and a call or email was sent or received that lifted spirits and made you feel cared for and about. With crisis, depression, or fear -- a caring word or thought can change an otherwise desperate outcome.

There are many, many official tools in place: suicide hotlines, crisis helplines, online chat, and service branch programs. Valuable tools with the emphasis on the person in crisis taking that first step. Other programs permit friends and families to identify and encourage obtaining help. Yet, what about the simple act of situational awareness and realizing that you haven't seen or heard a word from "Jane" online/offline in a few days? The gentle proactive outreach that says "I noticed you've been quiet; are you alright?" There are countless occasions that accomplished the miraculous - this online community cares, and it shows.

Bob Delaney's new book, "Surviving the Shadows" speaks of peer support as the most powerful tool available following trauma or crisis. We agree wholeheartedly. So, as this September enlightens many to greater awareness of noticing or identifying anguish, depression, and suicidal thoughts, please know and appreciate how YOU hold each other up, lift spirits, and give hope to those that feel or felt hopeless.

Let's keep on caring, and reaching out to each other - you might matter to someone else more than you'll ever know... We care and it shows!

When in doubt - reach out!

Blessings and thanks,

Linda

To Complain or not to Complain, that is the Question

2011-09-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

Borrowing a line from Shakespeare totally fits the dilemma that we have when dealing with the VA. When we get less than desirable treatment or when we have to deal with something which is dangerous or life-threatening, do we dare to complain?

Many who have made a complaint have been retaliated against. They have received even less care, have been told they are lying or that they are causing the problem. Entries are made in medical records which is difficult if not impossible to have removed. All of this allows the VA to put the blame on the patient or the caregiver and frees them from the necessity of dealing with the problem.

On the other hand, if we do not make a genuine complaint, we are left dealing with the fall-out of the lack of care. As usual, it is often the caregiver who deals with fall-out, which adds another layer of burden to a person who is already burdened beyond belief.

No matter how politely we make our complaint, no matter how much we follow protocol, no matter who we talk with and no matter how many people promise things will change, they rarely do for the better. The VA and the level of care appears to be in a downward spiral. As the current deployments come to an end, and our troops return, the pressure on the VA facilities will increase. In my opinion the level of care will decrease with the increase in patient load.

I have no answer for the issue of complaints, as it is a double edged sword. Every family must make a decision based on their circumstances and knowledge. No one should be penalized for complaining about lack of appropriate care, no one should be treated with disrespect because they do not fit the on-size-fits-all that the VA protocols are written for. What I do know is that this is an extremely unfair burden to place on both Veterans and those that care for them.

Have You Experienced 'The Shrug'?

2011-08-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

If actions speak louder than words, it appears the road ahead is rocky indeed. However, there IS hope if we persist in idea exchange and candid communication.

In this context, The Shrug is the non-verbal equivalent of "whatever". Every example below comes directly from VCG families. Do you recognize any of the following examples of The Shrug as you've traveled the Care Continuum?

You're a caregiver for an active duty service member (DoD side) and after a year, you don't have a stable Triad, you are chastised for missing appointments you didn't know about, and you work to dress your soldier with severe pain and depression for morning formation, and when you ask why? Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're moving into the rehabilitation phase of the service member's injury. You have no Comprehensive Care Plan, your daily load is very heavy, and you're living at the hospital/medical center with your spouse, adult child, sibling. You may be a single service member and you lack a Caregiver to advocate for you and your visible and invisible injuries. Both of you ask for help or resources that don't function as the brochure, website, or briefing said they would. Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're trying to make ends meet, you've lost your job (by email), the household bills don't stop, and you're full-time caregiving while living away from the home you're trying to keep, children who need to start school in a week, and you ask for assistance. Very little exists unless you fit a particular set of circumstances for a specific NPO. Shrug. If you are in the DC area, also get ready to move with your service member to a new facility where you begin anew and now need to carry a map along with the new staff. Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're finally home and in the VA system, your Vet has serious medical and emotional conditions and you know you cannot work, nor are you finding it smoother to communicate with the new medical professionals at the VA Medical Center. You're still requesting a Comprehensive Care Plan... You are now an expert at leaving voicemail and writing succinct emails. Shrug. The bills continue to mount, the ratings and funds are greatly delayed, your family wonders why you put up with your spouse or child's now-unfiltered behavior (PTSD/TBI), and your neighbors forgot you after the welcome home cookout. Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're home after a serious suicide attempt by your Vet, you have sheltered your children or other family, but now those invisible wounds of war are exposed -- and you're really very scared and scarred yourself. Your calls to various coordinators are not returned for many days and when they are, they are either unable to assist or cannot until/unless you fill out more or duplicative paperwork. HIPAA is used as a barrier when you hold the medical and general POA's for your Vet. The helplines you call refer you to your local facilities, but you've already been down that road, or why would you call them? Shrug.

Continuing on, your Veteran is angry and depressed at the caregiving toll on you. Or, the Vet could also be angry with you for not making their world what it once was. (BTW, no one could ever fit in those tight shoes...) Personal counseling is impossible to schedule with your caregiving responsibilities, though you now feel as though you have secondary PTSD/anxiety/depression. Your world is closing in on you and you're merely coping, numb, or ready to quit. You have enlisted a good VSO, your state Dept. of VA, and your U.S. Senator and Congressman, and the machinations still go in a circle. You are adrift, feel overwhelmed, a wee bit furious, and very, very exhausted. Shrugs aplenty.

You're a single Veteran and you have done your level best to find a way to quietly obtain information, care, and resume your life to the best of your ability. You advocate for yourself and you feel isolated and forgotten. You may have experienced MST, homelessness, loss of your buddies, your ability to return to work or school, and you aren't sure who you really are anymore. Unreturned calls, ignored pleas for help, and a shrunken world only reinforce your perception of being "disposable". Shrug?

Most of life's successes result from great communication. So too the worst failures.

Let's replace The Shrug with respectful, two-way communication and understanding, shall we? With open minds, logic, and compassionate care, this change is very possible. Here's working toward that change together!

Linda

WarriorCare and VeteranCare - Caregivers Need Your Support

2011-08-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

I'd like to draw your attention to the upcoming move of the medical facilities from Walter Reed to the new Bethesda and Ft. Belvoir facilities later this month. This week we met with a number of families who are dealing with grueling recoveries, financial situations, emotional upheaval, and now have a difficult relocation to manage.

While new improved quarters are looked forward to, the preparations and the communication over the move has been challenging for these families. As many of you will remember from the early days of wounded recovery, your focus was on your service member. So too is theirs. Please keep these Caregivers (or NMA's, Non-Medical Attendants) in your thoughts and prayers while this is experience is still raw and fresh in their minds. While change is inevitable in this case, it is also frightening and disconcerting to the injured service member - and an added burden to the Caregiver.

Thankfully, Caregivers continue to support Caregivers, and if communication and education is accomplished on the DoD side of the continuum of care, entering the huge VA system of care is somewhat smoother. We are working hard to provide help to Wounded Warrior families at Walter Reed, and you've probably noticed that VCG is attracting active duty families to our ranks as well as veterans. Our goal is to divide VCG into a sister entity called WarriorCare to address these two major phases of care in the near future. Thank you for welcoming all in our midst, for our goal is to educate, advocate, coordinate, and navigate the various phases of the continuum of care with you.

Linda

New Blog for TBI Caregivers!

2011-08-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

A very special member of our VeteranCareGiver community has just launched a personal blog about caregiving for those with TBI. It does not matter whether you are a spouse, parent, friend, or other family member, chances are good that you will identify with many of Annette's observations. You may find the blog at www.spouseoftbiveteran.blogspot.com. Annette also has a very poignant video on the homepage of VCG and we applaud her efforts to support and spread awareness of the challenges of caregiving for the invisible injuries of TBI and PTSD.

Brava, Caregivers!

Linda

An Alternate Universe - or am I just dealing with the VA again?

2011-07-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

"I have spoken to four doctors and they say you are not in pain"

"A temperature of 103.5? Well, ride it out at home! "
" What if it goes to 105?"
"Ride it out at home"
"What about 107?"
"You would be dead"

"I am the only PIK line person for 7 floors and the outpatients. I have already worked 11 hours with no overtime pay. I still have patients to see…"

"You need to move nearer the VAMC"

"Sorry we can't get a line in. Come back next Tuesday.."

"Yes, this is the crisis line. I am going to give you another number to call"

You will need to drive 180 miles, six days per week for your pain medication.

"The ambulance is just an expensive cab ride. Put her in the car…"

"We cannot give you Morphine, you might become addicted" (This patient was 87!)

"Blood pressure 68/48 Oh that’s a great BP. You must be an athlete. Oh you are feeling dizzy…?"

No I am not making these things up! These are actual statements by medical 'professionals'. Over the past years I have made a collection of these. To any sane or normal person, they are garbage. I wonder how long the VA can go on allowing their staff to spew out this junk. This makes absolutely no sense, and trying to find any logic in this is totally futile.
Is this part of a plan to make us all so crazy that we go away? Is this some covert operation to rid themselves of those Veterans who need help? Do they deliberately make it as difficult as possible for us to hang on to our sanity by a small thread? Or are they all in an alternate universe and trying to drag us there too?
To be truthful I don't think this is part of an underhanded plan. Why? Because I don't think they have enough organizational skills to make such a plan. To care for the vast number of wounded heroes that these recent wars have produced takes careful planning. It needs common sense, good judgment and many different approaches. To be able to integrate all these things into one unified whole takes organization. That they do not have. The whole VA system is like a huge bloated slug. Can barely move under its own weight and leave a trail of slime wherever it touches.
In the past I have tried very hard, as most of us have, to work within the system. Now it is becoming more and more obvious that working in their system is impossible. With statements like these above, they are in another universe. One where I am not prepared to go.

2011-07-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am a Caregiver.

Of Caregivers.

And, so are you if you are here.

What we do every single day is to give: time, support, love, funds,and care. From somewhere above, we are given what we need to provide the (hopefully) right words at the right time to the right person. We are there for one another. Some days are up, some days are down, but we are present when needed. We save or at least enrich lives daily.

And, it is inconceivable that time and time again, we are told "Thank you for your interest", "Thank you for your support", and "How do you do this job every day?" Is there only Rhetoric in our proud country? Or, is there Heart, but simply no awareness? Our hope is that it is lack of awareness rather than lack of caring that spares the action to go along with the words.

Is it possible that once you know that Caregivers even exist ("I thought the VA provided veteran care"), you can still find them invisible?

Imponderable to us. And, to many others.

Caregivers and Veteran Families matter. After a decade of war, at least three generations will be effected by multiple deployments, fractured families, homelessness, financial strain, joblessness, and injured, ill, or wounded troops. Can we truly ignore what is in front of us? Apparently so.

Yet, listen closely and you'll hear a growing number of voices raised together to stop fragmenting families into disparate groups, vying for dollars, and attention. Unity on this issue is important. Please continue to spread the very real needs of Veteran Families.

Because, once you know the need, how can you not help?

Linda

Does Courtesy Matter When Lives Hang in the Balance?

2011-07-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

A common theme has run through VeteranCaregiver since its inception in spring 2010: caregiver and veteran persistence is needed in order to achieve progress or problem resolution. Most accept this truth and reality.
Lately, however, when lives hang in the balance because a "courtesy" is lacking, then we all experience a systemic problem. Throughout VCG, you already know of some serious caregiver and veteran issues that resulted in urgent and immediate coordination and action. However, what is the protocol when there is no visible after-action? Calls unreturned, and certainly no proactive follow-up?
This is not compassionate care. It is not right. And, it is simple to fix.
This VCG community of peers, mentors, friends, and professionals has always followed through. Caring is abundant and actions supersede words. Please convey the message far and wide that veterans and caregivers cannot and must not suffer or even die because they were not a priority and afforded a "courtesy".
Thank you for caring, supporting, and reaching out. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.
Linda

C.A.R.E.

2011-07-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,
So much going on lately that is baffling, and I'm now thinking in riddles. Choose your own words, but here is how I believe we support one another here in our VCG Community:
C = Care and caring, considerate, communicating, coordination, collaboration
==> Compassionate Care Connection
A = Advocate, articulate, abundant, authentic, augment, awareness, amazing
==> Authentic Advocacy
R = Real, rewarding, renewal, renovate, review, rally, refresh, reemerge
==> Realistic Renewal
E = Educate, emerge, energize, embrace, effect, epitome, escape, enjoy
==> Effective Energy

We may not have control over much, but we are able to live supporting one another and choosing the positive words over the discouraging ones. You are all amazing in your compassion for others. Wishing you a good day today!
Linda

Tackling an Assault Course

2011-07-08T08:32:00.000-07:00

After struggling to deal with issues with the VA over the past weeks, I suddenly had this vision of a Military Assault Course. You know, the things where you have to run up sheer walls, traverse wires like a squirrel on speed and crawl on your belly with a face-full of mud. The military are very creative when making these assault courses. They are said to build stamina and agility.
Well, dealing with the VA is very much like tackling an assault course. The main difference is that while on an actual assault course, you have a crowd of buddies cheering you on, and you can actually see the end of the course, no matter how unlikely it feels that you will get there. You know that with skill, training, perseverance and the support of your buddies, you can make it to the end.
When dealing with the VA none of this happens. No one is cheering you on. No one shows you the end of the course. If, by some miracle, you actually climb the final wall, they quickly place another array of objects which have to be scrambled over or under or through before you get to the end. In the very unlikely event that you do actually make it to the end, you will find someone standing with a stop-watch, telling you that you were not fast enough at the second stage and you will have to do it all again.
This all comes down to the simple fact that they do not want us to succeed. Veterans and their caregivers must never be allowed to think for one moment that they have arrived. There must be no suggestion that the last hurdle has been overcome or the last problem dealt with.
If I had to chose between dealing with the VA either in person or via the telephone or running through an assault course, just give me the assault course every time. I would haul my aching bones to the end, one way or another because I know that at the very least, no one is going to move the last wall and when I have climbed it, I have arrived!

Communication is Everything

2011-06-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

This will be short, because the message is clear: only through direct communication, follow-up, and proactive connection will you be able to gain information you need to forward your Veteran's recovery or your Caregiving challenges.

Know how to succinctly state what you need before calling the helplines and organizations. If you aren't satisfied, ask for a supervisor. Some matters may require time to research before a response. Yet, many issues aren't understood due to confusion or semantics, so be clear and fair in what you're requesting.

Finally, if you call resources and do not receive a callback in a timely fashion, please write them to document the issue. Let's face it, when you're at your wits end, waiting for days just doesn't work. Try telling your Vet that the call they expected didn't come yet, and many Caregivers will say that they are now the verbal target. Let us know if you need support and we'll advocate for/with you.

Change will only come through education, perseverance, clarity, and follow-through. We care about making the system work for YOU.

Linda

When is a Business not a Business?

2011-06-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess the answer is when it is the VA!

So to add to Linda’s previous and excellent Blog about how to deal with the VA and your Congressman or Woman, I wanted to add the following.

Back last March I contacted our VA over an issue on behalf of the disabled Veteran that I care for. I also forwarded the same information to our Congressman who has been very helpful in the past. I like to keep him in the loop!

As of June first I still had not received any response from the VA, although I did get a response from our Congressman in May, who also sent a copy of the letter that he received from the VA.

I figured that if the Congressman could find the time to answer my communication, then the VA should be able to do the same, so I sent off yet another fax which I followed up with hard copy via mail.

That elicited a phone response from the VAMC, from a man who identified himself as ‘from the executive office’, but he was not, as he was quick to inform me, the actual person who was responsible for dealing with this issue, he was merely a stand-in for him! I felt like responding that the VA’s staffing problems were not my main concern, but I restrained myself with admirable calm.

I did not feel quite so calm when I heard his explanation of why I received no acknowledgement of my communication. He told me that when the VA are contacted by a Veteran and also by a Congressman on any issue, they respond to the Congressman and let him or her respond to the Veteran!!!

In other words, the VA obviously do not feel that the Veteran is deserving of any kind of response or acknowledgement. Aside from any moral aspect of disrespect for the Veteran, this goes against all forms of good business practice, which dictates that if someone take the trouble to contact your business or organization for any reason, the very least they should be able to expect is the courtesy of a response.

The VA are also using the Congressman to do their work for them, namely expecting him or her to act as their secretary and deal with their mail. As our Congressmen are elected by their constituents and are supported by our tax dollars, I find this quite incredible.

Therefore, please be aware that if you should need to contact your VA for any reason, either by letter or fax, you probably also need to send the same information to your Congressman so that at some point in the future, you can expect some kind of third party response.

The Hill & Help for Vets/Caregivers

2011-06-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

As you know, a part of what VeteranCaregiver does is to contact Congressmen and Senator staff liaisons for Veterans Issues on your behalf, or to start the conversation for a specific issue. As a constituent (a voting member of your district or state), your state's Congressman or Senator will open a case file and try to assist with the challenge you've identified to them. There are many kinds of inquiries, but I will just outline the simplest measures to follow in this blog because they've come up recently and we want you to be most effective with your limited time.

Here are some facts that you should know that will help you:

Identify your legislators by using the Tell My Politician feature on VCG; obtain the phone number
CALL the Washington, DC Office first and state your need
FAX a follow-up letter to the office and also email a response to summarize your request
Do not mail letters, as the security precautions for snail mail will delay your inquiry by up to 6 weeks
If asked to sign releases, ask what the release is for? In most cases, you do NOT need to release your medical records in order to have them assist you. Be prudent, but make the best decision possible to obtain what you need.
If you do not hear back within a reasonable time, CALL again; you must remain persistent

If you support a legislator's efforts on a particular bill or effort identified in a press release (and available on VCG in Hill Notes or the Hearings links), DO write them by email and also on their Facebook pages; social media is used widely to read the "political wind" and to calculate public opinion.

Know that if you send inquiries to legislators OUTSIDE of your state, that by "professional courtesy", that office will simply send on your inquiry to the Committee staffer for YOUR state area, and you will likely NOT receive a response. Just this morning, I spoke with a high-ranking member's office about a non-response to one of our Vets/Caregivers, and was told that "we can't respond to all the emails". As you can imagine, most people receive high volume email, so when you don't hear from them, place a CALL; it will be answered and your issue temporarily moved to the top of the pile. You will then hear what they have done on your behalf.

This sounds a great deal like working with the agencies, I know, but please know that these folks are elected and sworn to serve YOU, the constituent. If you can make the time to call, document, and follow-up, chances are very good that you will receive help. Make friends with the Veterans Liaison staffer; it's well worth the effort.

Finally, know that we will continue to advocate for you when the load is just too much - this is a case of multiple contacts, persistence, warmth, caring and follow-up. Hope this helps some of you just a little bit! Washington is a world of its own.

Linda

VeteranCaregiver/ROR Trip 2

2011-06-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hi friends,
Though I couldn't participate in this second ROR trip for couples, the communication has been very good between us, and I will fill you in just a little bit more. It is evident that Caregivers receive so little time being spouses or parents (without the caregiving), that being provided the opportunity to return to simpler roles and days is life-sustaining.
Again, learning a new set of skills together, be it calming techniques, fly fishing, or just regaining the equilibrium of a more equal relationship away from appointments and obligations seems so therapeutic to our couples.
And, since caregivers receive so little recognition (most cannot find the time to make a video, picture or comment for Caregivers Matter! LOL!), having someone else be in charge for four days is restorative. Recreational therapy with a purpose to support caregivers and injured or ill veterans has a place, and hopefully more organizations will recognize the important contribution made when the Caregiver is allowed to be "just" a spouse or parent again. It is a blessing and a gift!
Yes, more fish pictures, and it's hard to say what's bigger: the smiles or the fish!

Wishing our VCG couples calm waters, lively fish, and many memory revisits ahead!

Linda

ROR Vets/Caregiver Day 2

2011-06-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

Greetings from home,

Day 2 of the Rivers of Recovery Vet/Caregiver Trip was remarkable from the first morning breathing/yoga exercise forward. These couples had taken advantage of the beautiful scenery, the renewed connection with each other, and the confidence of the previous day’s successes. For each couple, the second day was calmer, the comaraderie stronger, and the smiles just unsuppressable. And, the fish kept biting. Even for me: :-) LOL!

In watching the ROR process unfold, and while data is collected to quantify the research results, there was no waiting for personal observations. Each couple was visibly more relaxed, their interaction was quick, humorous, and kind – and sleep had come easily for the first time in a long time. As the second day concluded by the firepit under the dark, unspoiled nightscape, the participants all spoke of how they had new tools, new techniques, and new confidence in being able to help one another with stressful situations in the future. My favorite vet, who has suffered especially severe injuries and often debilitating PTSD was the most changed. He stood up with a huge grin after dinner, and said with great enthusiasm, “My anxiety is gone – it’s just gone!”. He was awed at the change in himself. And, his Caregiver was overjoyed with the lifting of her 24/7 care for these days – now that’s priceless…

We're also glad to report that the return home also went smoothly, and each couple voiced their enthusiasm for returning as a guest guide next summer. Conclusion: learn and share multiple new skills together, spend time in nature’s glory, interact with those that understand, and depart with coping skills to “bring back” the serenity and laughter shared. Trip 2 begins today and the new participants headed off for a strong start yesterday.

Good stuff –

Linda

Green River - Day 1

2011-06-04T05:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings from a mile up,

Today marked the first day on the Green River for the Vet/Caregiver couples. This is not a couples retreat, nor is this venture merely a fishing trip. This collaboration is being studied intensely to determine which aspects of this innovative, tailored program best manage to help diminish and sustain PTSD progress to assist couples. Combat PTSD, as you know is often very stressful on both people in the relationship. With the prevalence of PTSD in the news this week estimated at 95% of all OIF/OEF vets, programs that are able to help both vet and caregiver are crucial.

And, while nearly all relationships could benefit from being together in a beautiful place, ROR is taking great care to study and analyze best practices in providing fun AND practical tools that can be used upon returning home to diminish and/or to manage PTSD symptoms. Regaining the peace provided during the trip can then be returned to again and again. This unique experience also gives both partners the ability to support each other when stressful times arise. And, when couples support their experiences more closely and with strengthened connection, it is possible to regain improved quality of life.

This is an experience that taps into all five senses, and brings visible calm, joy and laughter within minutes. This a serious effort to make a difference in the use of recreational therapy that goes beyond the trip experience. And, it works.

The Green River was fast today, and each couple caught multiple fish for a day total of 28 fish in this catch and release program! (BTW, when a fish cannot be brought into the boat, it is called a "remote release"!) :) Below, one of the couples and their guide:

Suffice it to say that the crew from today is smiling, pleasantly tired, and looking forward to tomorrow.

It’s good to know that not all research is dry (no pun intended!), boring, or academic, and that progress is being made! Better yet, that ROR is focusing on caregivers and acknowledge the vital role you play in bringing the best quality of life to vets and families.

Bravo and thanks to ROR!

Linda

VCG & Rivers of Recovery Journey to Well Being

2011-06-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

Greetings!

Rivers of Recovery and VeteranCaregiver have joined forces to bring this proven and remarkable recreational therapy program to 12 veterans and their caregivers. Yesterday marked the beginning of the first 4-day program with a pickup of half the group at the Salt Lake City airport, where it was wonderful to meet folks we only knew through interaction here at VCG. Matching faces with names was a pleasure!

We then embarked on a 3.5 hour drive northeast of Salt Lake City, driving through beautiful country, complete with snow-capped peaks, rolling hills, verdant valleys (I always wanted to write the word "verdant" in a sentence!), and arrived in the small but remarkable town of Dutch John, Utah, population 80. We settled in for a great dinner and lots of fellowship, with the preface by Dan Cook, the founder of Rivers of Recovery that we would be on the Green River tomorrow, absorbing and appreciating with all our senses the beauty and fun of this gorgeous location by 8am. Included in the morning and evening would also be specific relaxation tools, sessions one on one with a remarkable recreational therapy staff, and in conjunction with medical leadership at the highest levels.

For most, this was a challenging day just getting on a plane and embarking on this journey. Yet, we know that neither veterans nor our remarkable caregivers lack for courage. Stepping into new situations, trusting those they don't know in a new situation, and opening up to new experience is a valiant step. For those of you picturing warm temps and calm blue water -- well, it's very chilly a mile up, and the clothing is layered for the high of 52 and a low of 39.

It's going to be a good day! Pictures to come --

Linda

Memorial Day Thoughts

2011-05-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

Greetings,

As we welcome Memorial Day today, and after the final parade or television special has faded, I’m hoping that we can take time more frequently as a group to consider those who paid the final and absolute sacrifice. They will always have our respect and our compassion because they hold precious memories, while our group goes on.

Did you watch, participate, or read of Memorial Day events this weekend? I was struck once again at the genuine attempts to illustrate to Americans what our brave troops experience, with footage of reasonably graphic field operating rooms, the challenges met when in the recovery and rehabilitation phases, and in trying to explain what living with TBI and PTSD can mean to a family. There has been some progress made in exposing the general public to what military families experience, especially in the case of the wounded, ill, or injured.

Yet.

Yet, there were many references to America’s families throughout these local and national programs and newspapers, but often the camera or photo was of the veteran and a child, and very, very rarely, the veteran and their family or caregiver. Below are vets and caregivers at WRAMC; surely we all recognize that a picture is worth a thousand words?

Until the Caregiver is understood as the heartbeat of the family, and often the most critical link in the continuum of care, we still have much work to do. As long as the government feels that the intention to provide the programs they feel are helpful is enough, we have more work to do. And, if the belief is that full-blown programs are already available and effective when they are not fulfilling many of the family needs, we have more work to do. Finally, if programs are rolled out months and even years after the time they were needed, many more families will move far too slowly to successful outcomes. Or not…

On this Memorial Day, we hope that the Gold Star Families are feeling supported, loved, and affirmed. Our hearts go out to you. It is our fervent hope that bureaucracy will give way to the needs and the dreams of the Blue Star Families. Since wars are not going to end, as a group, we need to focus on logical, field-proven, integrated two-way communication, and peer-mentored programs to guide our newer Wounded Warriors through the every-evolving care system. We need to firmly acknowledge the role of the family Caregiver as vital to America’s interests. Caregivers and veterans, on this Memorial Day, please know how honored we at VCG are to be supporting YOU.

Linda

Wishing you a Happy Day

2011-05-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

I had been thinking of writing another Blog on here but was looking for something cheerful and uplifting. I think we have all had to deal with a long hard winter, struggling with different aspects of the VA, fighting each day for our loved-ones and also, for many of us, the extra stress of flooding, tornadoes and other severe weather related problems.

This morning when I woke, the sun was shining and the sky was a clear blue. I took my dogs and my camera and went for a long walk. I am lucky enough to live in a rural area so in a few minutes I can be surrounded by trees, flowers and water. I know just how soothing and healing this can be. As I know many of you may not be able to get out and enjoy nature like this, I wanted to share my bit of bliss with you.

Not far from my house is a large area that was originally destined to be a building site for a number of new houses. When the housing market slumped, the area was abandoned and nature has taken back her own. I love to ramble over this area, especially to the lake, as a number of birds have made their home there. This morning, I saw to my delight, that a Canada Goose had nested on a tiny island on the lake and appears to be sitting on eggs. She certainly chose a safe place.

If you would like to see my photos, I have loaded them via Flickr, and you can see them here.

My small bit of good news is that the Caregiver Coordinator at our local VA appears to be taking her new job seriously. She has called me several times, just to check up on me, which I find to be comforting. She also talks with my care receiver, which is even better.

I do feel that we caregivers are making progress, even though it is not always apparent. It is a lot of work to keep educating people about who we are and what we do. On the days when I get discouraged, I look back and think of the advances we have made just in the last year. I know we cannot rest on our laurels. We have to keep up the pressure (yes, it is tiring) but small victories are certainly worth sharing.

I wish everyone a peaceful weekend, and if you have the chance, get outside and enjoy a little of what Mother nature has to offer.

The Life You Save May Be Your Own

2011-05-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

Greetings, friends,

It has been such a tumultuous two weeks at VCG, which is no surprise given a full moon and a long holiday weekend/week of family, group gatherings and meal, and travels. Amid the generally accepted positive that holidays may bring, also comes the specter of additional stress and self-analysis. It has been an especially busy and breakthrough time for caregivers and vets.

What you don't see online at VeteranCaregiver are the behind-the-scenes direct Caregiving with advocacy, education, and coordination to navigate the system. These are the innumerable phone calls, the text messages, the emails, and the discussions with many in order to provide solace, support, resource coordination, or actions for veterans and caregivers alike. The caring is very close to 24/7, and the needs growing. And, as a small sampling of what occurs in the background of VCG, the end of this week was marked by several positive outcomes for two veterans with NO caregivers; those who need to advocate for themselves. This is a measurable group; can you imagine the load this group carries – often alone?

The first is a Reserve soldier with a serious TBI who had not received attention for his TBI for four months due to the prioritization of more acute physical injuries. His concerns were great since he could no longer read or write and his intellect and strong vocabulary were working against him in the system. With half a dozen phone calls, and inquiries, this vet who'd "fallen between the cracks" was now aided by the organizations he didn't know of or how to ask for help. He needed an advocate, and an existing caregiver called to ask for help on his behalf. It was readily provided. Remember, just because organizations exist to help, doesn't mean that there is proactive outreach to do so. Personal contact and Advocacy made the difference.

With permission, below is a personal blog by a soldier who uses the VCG site as her Caregiver, and her site Friends as her safety net. She is courageous, extremely private, and extraordinarily generous with her thoughts on the need for dynamic support from people who care. In her own words, here is an excerpt of her thoughts on the challenges each day and the daily choices to fight to live:

some of the injuries veterans face today are different than wars past. traumatic brain injury is complicated, may have nary a symptom one day and the next day the same person can not function safely alone. PTSD is being revisited to this country in a way that hasn't been felt since Vietnam. loss of limbs and motor function is seen daily from soldiers coming home. somehow we imagine in the civilian world that 'they' are being looked after.

surely we learned something from the 60's. surely our soldiers now have it different. yes, there has been some change but the truth is there is yet another population that nobody imagines to think of because the rationalization is that the government is looking after vets and their care. i can assure you from personal experience that simply is not the case. even that world is give and take, appointments and paperwork, communication and organization. if you don't possess the faculties or a home address to receive and review, the decisions will be made without examinations to determine the current health of the veteran and the paperwork simply stops right alongside the 'care'.

they assume the last address on file is where you may be reached and if they don't get you there, they don't look. there is a reservoir of patience necessary to deal with this worn out and worn down, overloaded system. the people who take care with vets and soldiers have to constantly be on guard to file all the right paperwork, keep track of medicines, appointments, reviews, emergencies, and review records to be sure everything gets from point A to B and on down the line to the many places that may be needed for care. computerizing these systems have actually made it more difficult in my opinion rather than less. if you don't know WHO to talk to it's a rough road.

our world is intricately connected by what we do and what we choose not to do. every person matters. caring matters. love matters. holding hands matters. doing something today matters. if it were you all alone, crying in the night, holding onto the old photo of what used to be, knowing it will never be the same again, what would you do? how long do you think right now reading this that you could hold up in that pressure no matter your love for the person being cared for? the difference any of us make is up to us. the life you save may someday be your own.

"Those who can not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana

~aho mitakuye oyasin~

we are all one

This week, please consider those seen and unseen on VeteranCaregiver and in the various medical centers and communities who do not know where to go for help, or don't have an advocate to assist them. We ALL matter in the continuum of care. Please proactively reach out; extraordinary lives depend upon it!

Wishing only good ahead for each of you,

Linda

How Many Masks Do YOU Wear?

2011-04-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

We are not having a good week. On Easter Sunday, I was paralyzed from the sermon which spoke of rolling the stone away… and I just broke down and left to hide in the bathroom because even if the stone is rolled away from my “cave”, I’m still imprisoned. The mask I wore Sunday was one of Despair: no matter what I do, no matter what I choose, I disappoint someone. My other two masks that day were Wife and Mom.

On Monday, because we just cannot get calls back from the VA after many voicemails and help from this site, now I was the full-on target of my husband’s frustration, anger, paranoia, and irrational behavior because he was “going to make things happen today!” It was 7:30am the Monday after the holiday. I asked if we could discuss this after I took the children to school, and was told that the “children need to know how life really is”! Oh really, do they? NO, they do NOT! My mask to the children was the It’s-All-Right one, and to my husband, the Don’t-Make-Me-Choose one. In choices like these, someone will be hurt.

And, now today (Tuesday), he wants the contact numbers for anyone I’ve ever called about his case because clearly I cannot do my caregiving to his exacting standards. I wrote them all down for him, because this is the very common distrustfulness of PTSD and I have called many people for him. Of course, I then had to alert several people that they might receive calls, and that added to the stress. Today’s mask was Resignation.

You know, if things were improving each day, or even each week, I could stand it. A simple callback from the VA? It should not be too much to ask. As caregivers, we give up everything. We have serious financial strains, no medical care for me or our family, I gave up my full-time job, and our children see too much and are forced to understand behavior that is erratic and harmful. Who do I fail? Myself? My children? My husband? Did you know that the life expectancy for a caregiver is shorter than someone who isn’t? My mask right now is Exhaustion.

Rolling the stone away was so painful in my mind on Sunday.

Today my mask is Blank. I cannot leave the cave.

I am Caregiver, Hear Me ROAR!

2011-04-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am Caregiver, Hear me ROAR! I have come to the conclusion that I need to adopt a fight song! Something that will keep me charging on, as my batteries wear down while performing my Caregiver duties here at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, Washington, DC.

What brought me to this conclusion was a comment made to me today, as I stood positioned next to my injured soldier as she worked out at the Walter Reed Military Army Advanced Training Center (MAT-C). For those of you not familiar, MAT-C is the center of activity for our Wounded Warriors who have broken or lost limbs and also suffered traumatic brain injuries (TBI).

For the past nine months, I have accompanied my daughter; a soldier injured in Afghanistan, to appointments for her multiple injuries. Accompanied is not the best word to describe what I have done as a Caregiver, that is a subject for another time.

A gentleman came up to me and told me how great my daughter looked and that her recovery was remarkable. He said, “This place [MAT-C] does amazing things.” I looked back at him stunned, as I was performing my Caregiver duties…catching my daughter as she proceeded to fall off the exercise machine.

Tired and desperately needing a break from the stress of Caregiving, I said to him firmly and loudly, “It’s because of me, my hard work and being her Caregiver, that is why she is progressing as well as she is.” He was taken back by my immediate response, as was I. Oh well, I was just having a bad day…tired, exhausted and obviously not wearing my Army Mom hat which is a clue to avoid me at all costs.

My point is…I’m tired of being INVISIBLE and not getting the credit - really, recognition - for helping in her recovery. I have been by her side 24/7 for nine months. She would not have made it to any appointments without my help. And her recovery? Well because her Caregiver believes in holistic approaches that are not part of her treatment plan, she is now progressing very well. By the way, there is no comprehensive treatment plan—I am still awaiting one.

So now when I start to get tired or feel that my work is INVISIBLE, I have adopted a tune that plays over and over in my head. Thanks to Helen Reddy and Ray Burton for the inspiration from I Am Woman. Insert Caregiver for Woman in the song, and you'll see what I mean. Maybe you would like to think about adopting the song as well, or perhaps we create one on our own. Whatever works to make it through the day, right? Let me know your thoughts!

Caregiving Reality: Living with PTSD & Spreading the Word

2011-04-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

Hello friends,

It’s raining here in the DC area today, and my thoughts keep circling to the conversations and events of this week -- round and round and round. I finally decided that the most important thing I learned this week is that in addition to Caregivers often being invisible, is that the general public simply does not understand what it means to live with someone with PTSD. (TBI brings its own set off issues that will be the subject of another blog posting.)

Do any of the following sound familiar to you:

- With little warning or perhaps a small trigger, suddenly the person who is your adult son/daughter or spouse begins yelling at you, blaming you for every wrong thing in their lives; your heart cracks while your head tells you to be patient and kind. It’s the condition, not you.

- In a moment, suddenly you, the caregiver, is the enemy: you neglected to do something, you didn’t do it right, your attention to them wavered for 23 seconds and now you clearly don’t care, the callbacks from VA or the local non-profit wasn’t returned, so you must not have asked them for help correctly. That crack in your heart widens, and your head begins to wrestle with the unfairness of the verbal attack, or punishing silence.

- You are seeking help, online or on the phone. The questions come pelting at you: “Who are you talking to? Why are you on Facebook, are you having an affair? Tell those @#%$% that we need the help they promised! Give me the phone – I’ll tell them what it’s really like! Are you really on Hold, or are you waiting for me to leave the room? Get off the phone/computer, I don’t know why you’re wasting your time and mine – they don’t care! I don’t like when you talk about me to others….”. Additional cracks appear on your heart, and now your head is stuck trying to analyze the data. Reach out desperately for help, or stop reaching because it makes the day/night so much worse in the short run?

- If you have children, when the yelling began, so did the stomping around, and the demeanor of your husband or adult child changed to someone you nor they know. Your children begin crying, cringing, hiding, and the fear in their eyes takes over. Each time this occurs, the children retreat and cope in their own way. Your heart cracks even more, and your head says “How much longer can I do this?”

- Your household might be filled with dark, angry music, the sounds of video war games, the clink of beer bottles, the whoosh of flame to light a cigarette, or the rattle of medication in a plastic bottle. The blinds may be drawn on the windows all day, every day, or there might be a specific routine that MUST be followed, or there’s hell to pay. Your heart is sore, and your head aches with trying to find solutions to avoiding scenes like these or living this way.

- And, finally, unless you are able to see progress through counseling, medication, treatment plans, support and respite, and also have a support group to lean on (online, in person, or on the phone), your world has become smaller, your cracked heart has withered, and your exhaustion is near total. You must take care of yourselves, your children, and your vet.

Helpless must not devolve into hopeless. YOU MATTER!

Unfortunately, all those stories are real, and this list is only the tip of the iceberg. I DO want to also emphasize that many vets are receiving help for their PTSD, and some Caregivers too. Secondary PTSD is real. PTSD does not have to mean a lifetime of living with a cracked, sore heart and impossible choices to go or stay. The really hard part is to persist in gaining help, surrounding yourself with whatever support works for you, and knowing that people help more when they understand.

So, in whatever way is possible for you, perhaps we can work together to help the rest of the world to understand. Many of you have told me that your own family does not understand the invisible PTSD behaviors that can undo a family celebration. If your own family is baffled, what can we do? Well, let’s see if together we can create greater awareness, share a single day in your life by writing it down (yes, I know, there’s no spare time), or recording it on your phone when a thought comes to you. The Caregiving Reality of PTSD needs to be shared and openly discussed. Eyes and hearts will open, but it may take time. We will launch a new initiative to help this in the next two weeks.

The invisible injuries are so very, very hard to live with and the general public would be better equipped to support you if the word got out more. Unfortunately, the stories that make the papers the most are about the suicides from dealing with PTSD. We need to prevent that outcome with every tool we have! If so few are fighting our wars for our freedom, then it’s going to take a village to help them and their families when they return.

I was speaking to a faith-based group recently to spread awareness of Caregivers’ experiences in living with a vet with PTSD and to seek volunteers. At one point, someone stopped me and said: “That’s not true what you’re saying. The government takes care of our troops, and they are getting care”. … They did not want to believe the very real stories I was telling them. However, when the discussion really began and I could relate additional stories and real solutions, the group was greatly transformed. The point was made to become involved, to be aware, and to proactively reach out to veterans’ families. And, since my goal was to give them an idea of a Day in the Life of a Caregiver, there is now renewed awareness to assist families in this one community. It’s a small start.

I’d mentioned that I was at Mologne House at Walter Reed on Tuesday. In addition to being with some extraordinary Caregivers I know, there was also a special visitor that day. Gary Sinise was in Washington for several events, but took the better part of that day to visit not only with veterans and families at Walter Reed Hospital, but also at Mologne House. And, of the line calmly waiting in queue to meet Gary, I’m so glad to say that the Caregivers mattered! Gary gave each of the Caregivers words of encouragement after he’d heard a small synopsis of who they were caring for every day. It was a glimmer into how much better things would be for our service families if everyone cared this much.

Most of us are not celebrities able to bring your days of caregiving to the public, but please know that we are working very hard to change your days of isolation, to help you find the path to the best treatment options in your local area, and to every day make Caregivers less invisible. No matter if you’re caregiving for PTSD, TBI, Alzheimer’s, amputation, disease, or illness – together we will spread the word.

Caregivers are the heartbeat of the family, and the strongest, most remarkable people I know. Please keep the faith, and let’s spread awareness as best we can, each and every day. You matter, and you are not invisible here!

Wishing only good things ahead for you,

Linda

Wounded Warrior Care Summit

2011-03-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

Greetings!
   Yesterday was a fascinating day. With two very special caregivers from Mologne House at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, I attended the DoD/Warrior Transition Care Summit in Leesburg, Virginia after being asked to accompany them and to provide transportation.
   You all know that I am humbled and truly respect all caregivers for their unrelenting optimism and perseverance, but rarely have I seen such grace and strength when these women presented their stories. There were five remarkable caregivers on the panel, but I will share my thoughts about the two I accompanied.
   One is the sister of a seriously injured Marine and his fulltime caregiver, and at 24 years of age, has poise and presence beyond her years. The other is the mother of a seriously injured female soldier, formerly a successful marketing professional and now fulltime caregiver - articulate and succinct in her thoughts regarding improvement. They were marvelous representatives to share the genuine Caregiving Reality in this setting. And, they both want to be change agents in improving the combat recovery caregiving experience.
   Caregivers are so often invisible. Not yesterday, however! The experienced participant group at the Summit listened attentively to the details these two caregivers shared regarding gaps in communication, education, medical care, 'customer service', and specific situations they would not have otherwise known. This information resonated with the group who were gathered to consider and recommend "best practices" to the DoD. The takeaway message: There is simply no One-Size-Fits-All caregiving solution, and change requires care, compassion, and an innovative view to modify the status quo.
   You amazing caregivers are all such critical elements in the recovery and rehabilitation of our wounded, ill, or injured troops. Consider speaking on panels, sharing your experiences, and taking a good look at the lessons learned and the alternatives you would suggest if given the opportunity. We may not all have public forums like yesterday's, but you do have the ability to speak out here and to share your thoughts safely and without judgement. Our nation is woefully unaware of the family/friend assistance required for the continuum of care. Please consider sharing it whenever you can.
   We talked on the way home that each time a caregiver speaks about their daily lives, it changes the preconceived notions of those listening. My belief is that those present yesterday will not view Caregivers with a singular label or visual in the future, but instead see real people who need compassionate, well-informed people to help alter the way things have always been done.
   Brava to both women for their candid and compassionate rhetoric on behalf of their vets! Now the focus shifts to the participant group to take those challenges to heart and create momentum and action for improvement.
   We all hope the timing is very soon!
All my best,
Linda

The Dreadful Power of Words

2011-03-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

I cannot help but see the pain and suffering written about on the forum, and which is caused by words.
I noted particularly two instances. One woman who wrote about her husband being told that, ‘he did not deserve his disability rating,’ if I remember that correctly. The other was a woman who was told she was ‘drug seeking’ when she was in pain.
It is hard enough to deal with this kind of thoughtless, rude and spiteful behavior when we are feeling good and able to cope with life. For someone who is already dealing with overwhelming problems, words like this can send them perilously close to the edge. What our loved ones suffer, we suffer with them and for them.
I sat wondering why people have to be so cruel, angry or mean spirited as to have to inflict this kind of pain on others. These are obviously not ignorant or poorly educated people. If they were, their words would not carry as much weight. These are people who are intelligent enough to hold down a job, have got some kind of formal education, and are in a position to inflict hurt. Why do they? What do they get out of this? I can only assume that it is some kind of power trip. They get their thrill on having power over others. Sadly it is the same kind of power trip that abusers use to keep abusing their wives or children or their animals. These people are weak inside. They have no power over self, so they use what they have to power over others.
It is a tragedy that they are in positions to cause so much pain to those who least deserve it. I wonder how many suicides have been caused by spiteful and twisted remarks to people who have no ability to see these words for what they are – painful evidence of a soul in torment because it cannot deal with its own junk.
It takes the power of many strong and supportive words to help undo the damage caused by one malicious word. We caregivers spend our days offering kind, gentle and supportive words to our Vets and our families, yet many still have time to offer support to others. It is only by this that we survive.
Our words are important and certainly they are not the least of all the other important things we do.

How true is this?

2011-03-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

The following lyrics are to a current popular song. It played over and over in my head last night. Unfortunately in my mind it was playing because I truly felt that his song could be directly used not as a song from a man to a woman but by how our Vets felt/still fell about the United States and how they are treated by the VA once they are done sucking the life out of them. Please excuse some language but I copied the lyrics directly.

Easy come Easy go
That's just how you live oh
Take take take it all
But you never give,
Should of known you were trouble
From the first kiss had your eyes wide open, ( When they enlisted)
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.

To give me all your love is all I ever asked cause what you don't understand, is id catch a grenade for ya.
Throw my hand on the blade for ya,
Id jump in front of a train for ya.
You know I'd do anything for ya.
See I would go through all this pain take a bullet straight through my brain.
Yes I would die for ya baby, but you won't do the same. ( Can’t even get the help they need)

Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm am numb tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you're from.
Bad women bad women (substitute policies and red tape here)
That's just what you are yeah
You smile in my face than rip the breaks out my car. (offer help but don’t deliver)
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash yes you did. To give me all your fucking love is all I ever asked but what you don't understand is id catch a grenade for ya.

Throw my hand on the blade for ya, Id jump in front of a train for ya. You know I'd do anything for ya. Listen babe I would go through all this pain take a bullet straight through my brain. Yes I would die for ya baby. But you won't do the same. If my body was on fire ooh you would watch me burn down in flames. You said you loved me you're a liar cause you never ever ever did baby...

I saw a group of about a dozen young boys standing outside the recruiters office yesterday and I am ashamed to say that all I wanted to do was beg them to run away and not enlist for this life.

Sad but how true is this?

How Can I Give My Children Their Childhood Back?

2011-02-20T12:43:00.000-08:00

At the end of the day the things that I really wish I could just make better are the things that should be a given. I want to give my children their childhood back. How do I go back and make things normal for them?

Nobody dreams growing up that their happy ever after of a picket fence and kids will really be struggle after struggle. The things we took for granted growing up are so out of reach for my children. Dad waving as your up to bat. Cheering you on as you serve that volleyball over the net. Standing there applauding as you deliver your lines on the school play. Tucking you in at night and reading you a bed time story.

The reality is Dad is overwhelmed with despair. He feels like he is no longer a man because he can't staunch the flow of tears. He has such high expectations of them because his life has shown him that even when you do it right life is unfair. He can't give them hope because he himself has NONE!!!

I want my children to have the memories of family vacations and they do have some but they are with their friends families or my parents. The memories of ours consist of packing the car and then not leaving because Dad just can't face the world. He loves them and they know it. But they also know we don't make any loud sudden noises to include laughing. That is so NOT what I dreamt of for my children!

How do you explain to them when they ask but Daddy was in the Army why don't they fix him? Out of the mouths of babes right? The battle that is waged on a daily basis in our home is so time consuming that not only do they have little input or support from their father but their mother is exhausted and short tempered as well.

Life is so unfair. I know we are not alone and while that gives a sick sense of comfort mostly it just makes me feel sick. This generation of our children will grow up and have their children. What kind of long term cycle is this creating? What lingering issues will this cause? What kind of havoc will this cause for my children and their self esteem in the years to come.

The upside is that their father is alive but at this rate and the constant fight for resolution for him I don't even know how long that will be a reality and then what new issues will that bring? At least they know their father loves them and of that they have no doubt.

Winter and/or Full Moon?

2011-02-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Caregivers & Friends,

Maybe it's the winter months of grey, cold, and damp, or maybe it's the recent full moon, but the majority of us appear to be struggling right now more than usual. Our blog authors have been especially overwhelmed in recent weeks and we want you to know we wish days and nights were easier for all of you. If only we could open a Rest/Recharge Spa next to each VAMC to provide some respite during the often long hours at the centers, but you are needed for the appointments, so that's just not possible on so many levels.

Many of you have said how difficult it has been to read recent public announcements of great support to come, which led to hopes raised, then lowered in the space of two weeks. But rest assured, that support will definitely come and there will be good programs in the near future.

But, for now -- what to do? If you can find the time, will you take a moment and write the key things that would help you the most? Have someone run errands for you? Someone to really listen to you? For things to be good enough at home to return to your schooling or career? Find or create a portable job you could do flexibly given your caregiving? Gain medical care for you and your children? Participate in a sleep or caregiver stress study? Obtain a service dog? Say what would help you and think bigger than an uninterrupted cup of coffee - you matter and let's see if there's anything we can practically DO while we wait.

Hugs and blessings to you all,

Linda

VA Caregiver Hotline

2011-02-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

I am not sure how many of you are aware of this, but the VA just launched It's caregiver hotline. Now you may wonder, is this just one more person that won't give a crap and will say they do? You may also think, WHAT? another person to keep up with? I decided to call the hotline and see what the heck it is all about and whether or not the people were competent. I have to say that the phone call was somewhere in the middle for me. The person seemed like she had a clue what she was talking about, but she also seemed like she was just someone at a call center taking information and was rather disconnected from everything I was saying. Do I expect them to get it? No! BUT it would be nice if they showed some empathy for what we go through every day. I also had to laugh when I saw the new website, because once again they are trying to give us all of these "helpful tips" but seriously they are not practical when there are obstacles to every one of them. Until they figure out a way to help address these issues and the obstacles people will remain "burnt out".

So what does the site provide? They have a video that represents a broad spectrum of caregiver's. A few questions to help you determine if you are a caregiver (though I think we all have that one figured out! lol..) They also have some statistics that were provided by the National Alliance of Caregiving. They recently did a study on caregiver's of Veterans. While I think they are trying, they still are so far from the mark in my opinion. I was told that this caregiver website is one of the first steps in the caregiver bill. When I pressed in on more important questions I was basically told that things are still being worked on and that they didn't have answers for me. I guess the stipend is a major issue and question among caregiver's and rightfully so, however yet again they seem unable to figure out what the eligibility will be for the stipend and how they will implement it. I think they are really trying for some CYA so that they don't piss us all off if only a select number get it. I also got the impression that the lady knew more than she would let on, and that she was reading from a script or something.

I was so not impressed and plan on calling back tomorrow to talk to a supervisor. It sounds like there will be a public online forum as part of the process of the bill where we will be able to provide some feedback on various things, so do call and get your email on the list so that you will be aware of the progress of the caregiver bill and the chance to give your feedback.

You can find the VA caregiver website here

http://www.caregiver.va.gov/

and the phone hotline number is

855-260-3274 M-Fri 8am-11pm EST
and on Sat from 10:30 am -6 pm EST

So what are your thoughts? Do you think we will see this bill implemented anytime soon? Do you plan on calling the hotline and connecting with your local caregiver coordinator to let them know what you are thinking and feeling? I would love to know how you are all doing and what your thoughts are.

Good New or Bad News in Disguise?

2011-01-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

I usually read all the postings on here and I have noticed something recently which is in a way rather disturbing. I mean the small snippets of good news that some people have posted about.
No, I have not lost my mind, because what I am realizing is that it is actually newsworthy to have any kind of good outcome from the dealings with the VA. All those who post regularly and those who have recently joined this network, have dealt with so much junk from the VA, ranging from rudeness and ignorance to downright dangerous medical practices. We are starting to take this a normal. That is scary!
It should be newsworthy if someone is treated badly; if they have been insulted by a VA practitioner; if they have had to wait months for an appointment or told their situation is not an emergency or is the fault of their caregiver. These are the things that should be unusual, but sadly they are the norm.
I do think it is about time that someone at the head of the VA should begin by reading what is written here, and considering what needs to be done, and done quickly, to help our incredible Veterans and their families.

A Troubling Trend?

2011-01-22T21:48:00.000-08:00

Something that has been on my mind all day needs to be shared. I have recently witnessed a troubling thing, not only through my own experiences but also those of others I know. It seems that because the VA is so stretched in certain areas that I am seeing counselor's that do not have proper certification or training taking on cases. For example, I have seen a Psychologist trained in MST taking on combat stress cases and being totally unqualified to handle the specifics that go along with that type of counseling. Now, I do understand that every counselor has a baseline of knowledge, but I also believe there is a reason why you choose a specialty and I do NOT feel like they should be mixed, if the proper training has not been completed for such mixing of specialties. Another troubling thing I have heard of is Psychologists with no Neurological background screening Vets for TBI. I have a huge problem with this as well and It is frustrating to know that these things are happening. Has anyone else experienced anything similar to this, and if so does it bother you? I appreciate any feedback you all have.

Lack of Consistency

2011-01-20T22:50:00.000-08:00

It is no wonder that this generation of OIF/OEF Veteran's are frustrated and feel less than important. It seems that as I care for my husband and converse with other Veteran's and their caregivers that the stories are eerily familiar, and it is sickening to me. I am sitting here fuming when I should be sleeping. Why do we have to fight for EVERY little thing? What happened to the respect? It seems like the VA does not even understand the meaning of that word. They need to wake up and realize that the Veteran's of Iraq and Afghanistan have different needs and injuries than past wars. They also have young families that are falling apart because of the lack of support.

I am in no way trying to disrespect previous era's of Veterans because they have paved the way for our OIF/OEF Veterans, but these wars have been going on for quite a few years now and it is time to get on top of things, and support the whole family dynamic. I feel like because that is such an overwhelming concept, the VA gives up before they even try. Here's a concept instead of having panels of so called government big wigs and "experts" have a panel of OIF/OEF Vets and their Caregivers and ask what kind of program would be most beneficial, go straight to the source and not just the same few people.

So how can we impact the VA? I think the best way is to be vocal and keep our voices heard even when its incredibly exhausting. I think we all need to utilize our congress/senator reps more than we do. I think the reason we don't often times is because it is yet another thing to have to do. I know that I myself am guilty on this one, but hope to make changes even if they are small. Another way to be involved is to check out your local VFW, American Legion, etc. I know that most of them are comprised of what many of us would consider "old people" or older Veterans but I truly believe they have so much wisdom to offer. I try to thank them for their service when out in public and you wouldnt believe how many of them are shocked that I even said anything.

I believe that the VFW, American Legion, etc. truly want to reach out to these younger Veterans and families but may feel incredibly lost because they don't know how to keep up with such a social media generation. Also, they don't know we are here unless we make ourselves known to them. There are also MANY online resources specific to OIF/OEF Veterans and I will include a few links at the end of this post. I hope that with the little time to research you may have, that you will look into these resources and find something that is helpful to you. See the below links and until next time I post, hang in there, keep going, you are so crucial to your service member so don't forget that, and YOU MATTER SO MUCH! :)

Note: These links cover a variety of topics and there is a lot of information to sift through so bookmark it and take it at a pace you can handle.. I want to say that the second link actually has videos for caregivers specifically.

Links

http://www.intheirboots.com/itb/resources.html

http://www.traumaticbraininjuryatoz.org/Home.aspx

http://www.operationwearehere.com/WoundedWarriors.html

http://www.veteransforcommonsense.org/

Hello, my friends

2011-01-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

As I sit here contemplating what to say I have realized that I like so many of you am just plain exhausted. It seems like there is always some fight every day that we all have to gear up for and face head on. It is no wonder that we are all just surviving. I wish I had an "easy" button and that things just got done on their own. I never realized how much caregivers do, until I myself became one. I never imagined that I would be a caregiver to my husband at such a young age. If I had only known how much responsibility I would have as an adult, I would have savored my childhood days so much more. Isn't it funny that when we were young we wanted so badly to be all grown up? Now that I am all grown up, I wish I could run away from it all some days.

We are almost 5 years post injury, and I keep thinking it will get easier, but yet I have to admit that for me it seems to be getting more difficult. My days are filled with task after task, and worry after worry. I often wonder if I will be able to sustain this level of care for many years to come. I have pretty much put all of my dreams on the back burner, which totally sucks but has to be reality for now. I think about the kids and how young they are, I pray they don't grow up resenting us for being so different than other families. What are your fears? What is the hardest part about being a caregiver? There are so many days when I have to deal with resentment towards my husband, even though I know logically none of this is his fault, it still strains our marriage.

So how do we keep going when we are the least supported piece of the puzzle? The VA often ignores us, we get shoved to the back of the waiting rooms while everything is focused on the Veteran. Many case manager's put up with us instead of working with us. It seems like at every turn we are faced with opposition instead of support. I won't even get into the caregiver bill because we all know where that is at this point. I find support in my other Wounded Warrior Wife friends, and other caregiver's as well. This network of support here at VCG has been instrumental in my sanity during on many different occasions. In fact, my main support does not come from family, but from those in the same situation. Together we can make a huge difference.

My goal for this blog as far as my contribution goes, will be to share my own struggles and positive progress as well. I also hope to discuss some different "hot topics" that we are often faced with. I hope you all have a great week!

Spree-killing or desperation?

2011-01-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

I have thought a lot about my topic for this Blog as I do not like to be a scare monger. However, I decided to write this in the hope that we can avert another tragedy.

The recent shooting in Tucson left all of us dismayed but probably not actually very surprised. Sadly this kind of shooting is becoming more and more common. We have seen Columbine, (12 dead), Virginia Tech, (32 dead), Atlanta (12 dead) Washington DC, (10 dead), Nebraska, (9 dead), California, (9 dead), Alabama, (10 dead), just to mention a few, and we all remember the horrible shooting at Ft Hood, which left 13 people dead.

I am afraid. I am afraid for our Veterans and I am afraid for the future. I see so much neglect by the VA. I see so much need for mental health support. I see the need for much more education for caregivers on suicide and the possibility of enough mental instability to be cause for alarm. I see that at some time, at some place, some Veteran will have endured enough pain, intolerance, slights, ignorance, rudeness and disregard for their suffering, that they may take their weapon into a VA facility and deal with what they see as “The Problem”. When that happens, and I do think it is a question of not if, but when, then I believe the VA will be squarely to blame.

Dealing with the VA on a continuing basis and suffering the rudeness, being shuffled from place to place either on the phone or in person, the indifference and outright stupidity, makes all of us way angrier than we need to be. Pile that on top of a Veteran who has no caregiver, no advocate and little to no support and the stage is set for a major problem.

When I go to any VA facility (or any other large Government building) I am now taking stock of people and things around me. I am actively looking for exits. I am observing people very closely where before I concentrated on getting to where ever I was headed. If I see anything which gives me cause for concern, I try and alert someone and I remove myself from the situation. This is a sad commentary on our country. I do not like living this way, but perhaps if we are all more perceptive and aware, then people like the Tucson shooter would get some help before the unthinkable happens.

1st topic for discussion

2011-01-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

So here we go. The first topic I want to work on is how do we take time for ourselves. be honest and realistic. I mean let's face it. What was once a part of my daily process of getting ready for the day is now my me time. Just that little bit of time taking a bath or a shower has become my haven. No phone calls... no mail and for the briefest of moments or a good 20 minutes if I'm really lucky is the me time I get. But I try and make the most of it. Clear the mind... relax the body... take deep breaths... this is the main thing I do to relax it's free and available without leaving the house. I don't always get daily me time which is sad, but a reality. Email me what you do I look forward to hearing your thoughts. You can email me at vetspouse3@gmail.com or post it in the comments. Lets share what we REALLY do for ourselves!

My Mission

2011-01-08T19:36:00.001-08:00

OK so here is my first post and I have to say after reading the blog on the Caregiver pamphlet and laughing my rear off although it's actually very sad not really funny at all how far from reality they are about our needs and issues. So while sleeping for my nightly 4 hours I had a dream/epiphany. Here is my mission! I want to gather tips, ideas, suggestions whatever input you would like to send. I want to put together a book. Care giving 101 News you can use from those in your shoes! (TM) We all live this everyday. There is no vacation! There is no break! There is little help! Let's do what we can with what we know. Follow me and let's make a difference. We all accomplish more by 8 am than most people do all day! Hm... sounds like a recruiting ad kinda funny ref. if I do say so myself. We learn the in and outs and who not to call through trial and error we are the shared back bone of our Vets. The only way to make a change is to be that change! I sound like a commercial or something. Well that's what little sleep does for you. I am so excited about the project I really feel like it just might make a difference. Who knows it can't be any worse that the Caregiver brochure. I think we should put that on Comedy central. Well that's it for right now. Stayed tuned .....

How to Comment on the Blog

2011-01-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

Hi all,
In order to post comments on the blog, you'll need a Google (gmail) or Yahoo email address. Thanks for joining in on the conversations and we look forward to your thoughts.
Linda

VA Caregiver Handouts-- SERIOUSLY????

2011-01-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

I’ve been trying to get started on this blog for awhile. I wanted it to be positive and to inspire you all to persevere, but to be honest, my inspiration at the moment, is that I am ticked off. In the last week, I have encountered the new VHA caregiver handouts in several situations, and quite frankly, I just need to rant. Please forgive that my opening blog is full of negativity. I promise in the future I will try to be more uplifting in the messages that I send. My particular pet peeve is the handout entitled “Caring for the Caregiver—Practical Ways to Help Yourself as a Caregiver.” To let you know just a little bit about my personal situation, Hubby has severe chronic PTSD. There have been multiple hospitalizations lasting several months each since his return in 2007. There are a myriad of physical issues and a tbi, but by far the worst thing I deal with is the PTSD.

The handout starts out with an acknowledgment that caregiving is stressful and exhausting—tell me something I don’t know. It proceeds with the following headings:

1. Ask for Help.

From whom? Three years into this, all my original friends have gone by the wayside. Family is hours away, and when I do send Hubby there, they don’t give him his meds for a week, because “He doesn’t really seem to need them.” Our friends that remain in the military act like they might “catch” his PTSD, or perhaps he is a portrait of what they most fear for themselves. But they are all gone. There is no one to ask.

2. Express your feelings.

To whom? VA doesn’t have a group for me. I went to a PTSD caregiver support group at my local VA. It consisted of wives who were all Korea or Vietnam vet wives whose husbands had kept it together long enough to have full military careers and full careers afterward. I opened my mouth the first time, and you could see the horror, so much for that outlet. My family—nope, my parents ask why I stay or they ask why I’m so negative. Really, I have NO IDEA why I might be negative. Friends-- yeah, discussed in number one. My new WW friends are in the same boat as me, but none are near me. We are spread out all over the country and get together only on the internet.

3. Take care of your health.

When? How? With what money? I can’t get to the doctor because I’m ferrying him back and forth to the VA and civilian appointments. Oh! And there are the kids’ appointments, too. I’m lucky to scarf down fast food as I drive by McD’s between VA appointments and picking up the kids from school to take them to family counseling appointments. Forget the gym and working out, I fall into bed for the five hours of sleep I’m able to get now. And how would I pay for it? When he was medically retired, I had to give up my job too. We went from two full salaries, about $8K/month to $3K/month, but still with all the expenses we acquired during our lives of full time employment. Now we have less than half of the income but all of the same expenses. TRICARE out-of-pocket expenses increase. VA sure won’t see me and the kids, and I can’t reschedule his VA appointments when I need to go to my doctor because VA will take three months to reschedule.

4. Learn about the disease.

I could teach the class. We won’t even go there. My guess would be by the time most of the new generation of WW caregivers gets to the VA, we have the disease literature mastered. We could all teach these interns a thing or two. Sometimes I get impatient with the interns because they obviously don’t know the right thing and just say, “Hey! I know you are a student and need to learn, but we’ve been waiting for two hours past our appointment time, you obviously are still learning. Our numbers aren’t where they need to be. Please get the doctor.”

5. Avoid isolation.

See all previous paragraphs.

6. Talk with professionals.

What about big VA telling the professionals to talk to us? I have tried. They don’t want to talk to me. I have actually had a doctor tell me that I was wasting his time. If Hubby was going to slit his throat, take him to the ER and let the doc see the patients that were in the office at the moment. And POA’s and accountants cost money that we don’t have. We were in our thirties with two decent jobs, two kids, and all the expenses—house, two cars, and kids—that come with that. There is no money now. We are staying afloat barely. I certainly don’t have money for extra professionals or time to work them in.

7. Look for signs of burnout.

First of all, even if I wasn’t burned out from caregiving, VA would give me burnout all by itself. The bureaucracy is designed to wear you down. Second, I do have to moderate my alcohol use because quite frankly VA drives me to drink. After I have gone ten rounds with the operator, voicemail from three case managers, doctors, and social workers, then Hubby in full PTSD mode, and kids after a long day, I am ready to drown in a bottle—alcohol or anti-anxiety meds, doesn’t matter. Good thing I can’t afford an alcohol habit and I don’t have time to get to the doctor to get the anti- anxiety meds that I probably need.

8. Give yourself a treat.

Sunset is the only available option listed, and that’s if I can get everyone settled long enough to take the time.

9. Take time for yourself.

Well if respite care, home care, or adult daycare were an option (the ones listed in the pamphlet), I might be able to do that. Trying to find out if any of these options are even available leads to burnout and the need to talk to professionals, none of which I have the time or the energy for anymore.

VA, thanks for attempting to give a darn, but next time, can you check in with a real caregiver before you put together stuff that makes me feel like you understand my situation less than I already thought you did and that makes you look even more out of touch than I already think you are.

The New Year...

2011-01-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,

Now that the holidays are behind us, and the decorations are either put away or soon to be, please know that we realize there is a still a lengthy “winter” ahead and that we’re here to help.

Your support of one another is incredible, and there is such unconditional help as you all share ways to resolve issues; mentoring at its best. We are here as facilitators, to connect you to resources you may not be aware of, to reach out to superior VSO representatives, and others in Washington who sometimes can shake loose a problem.

We surely wish there was an Easy Button to post on the site – because it would already be there – but know that your needs are heard and behind the scenes we’re voicing your concerns and taking up your cause. Everyone needs an extra measure of grace sometimes, and you all are very deserving. We care.

Happy New Year, and only good things in the year ahead,

Linda

2011-01-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

Holidays are always tough when you have a disabled Vet to care for. Even with the best planning and the most ordered schedule, it is still a day of tension. Families do not understand the condition. Wounds that cannot be seen are not acknowledged; thoughtless or downright hurtful comments are made; and the caregiver ends up trying to soothe on the one hand while on the other, explaining, for the twentieth time, why Joe had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to remove his prosthesis. I went through all of these things and by the end of the weekend, I was really glad it was over.
It did not used to be like this. I used to love the lights and the visitors and the shopping and the baking. My life has changed so much and not for the better, but I know I do what I do out of love and caring.
I did learn something over these holidays though. I have to take care of myself more. I soothed when I should have said "Please do not say that" and I explained when I could have said, "Why ask the same question - are you waiting for a different answer? I did not say these things of course, but I felt like it. I can only imagine what this does to my blood pressure over the long haul. So I am about to begin a list of New Year Resolutions, and at the head of the list I am going to make sure I have Care for Self as a priority. Taking time for ourselves is always last on the list, but I am going to make sure I bump it up, at least to a small daily event, for without me, my Vet will spend the rest of his life in a Veteran's Home. Not a great prospect for a man who still has most of his life in front of him.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T08:18:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,

So, the past year has brought many surprises, and those who know me well, know that I consider surprises to be over-rated. To me, surprises are best reserved for 4-year olds, because often surprises are not good things, but instead new challenges to overcome! For an optimist, this is a strange position and I thought about that on this last morning of 2010.

I may need to change my position on surprises.

This year has brought a huge number of wondrous surprises! We created and launched this website, made friends with caregivers and veterans across the country, we learned so much that our heads are full, but that’s nothing compared to how full my heart feels today. Please know that your stories, your daily challenges, your strength, and even your exhausted moments bring out the best in all of us. For, isn’t it easier to help someone else sometimes? I have watched while many of you carry heavy loads of your own (which I learned directly from you) turn around 15 minutes later and post a message completely inspiring to another caregiver.

Friends, we never, ever know when a post response, a cyber hug, or a phone call will literally save someone. I’ve counted beyond my fingers the number of miracles I’ve witnessed this year. You are simply remarkable people and our team salutes you all.

May He lift you and guide you in the year ahead.

Happy New Year!

Linda

Road to Recovery Conference

2010-12-29T08:38:00.000-08:00

Good morning,

What a remarkable conference run by the Coalition to Salute America's Heroes! The 6th annual Road to Recovery Conference was held in Orlando FL earlier this month, and for five days, nearly 100 Wounded Warrior families were provided one-on-one support, superb motivational speakers, and many presentations and exhibits about resources, care, and empowerment.

VeteranCaregiver was included in the speaking roster and just as we find on this website, many caregivers are unaware of the large number of resources, how to find peers to share their experiences with, and in short -- how much Caregiving and family participation can help in the recovery process. Both Dave Roever and Dana Bowman spoke of their personal recovery and renaissance after serious trauma, and heroes were found throughout the week. Hats off to Donny, BJ, Gary, Mike, Doug, Nadia, Donna, Steve, Patrick and many others for coordinating and tying together all of the public elements of the conference. And grateful thanks for the Coalition sponsors for strongly supporting Caregivers in their program.

Pat Rowe Kerr was superb in sharing knowledge of how to learn of benefits and the variance among states, and our Caregiver and Benefits table was in constant motion. It was also gratifying to be able to talk to Caregivers who had resigned themselves to a particular life rhythm, but who now saw hope and peer support available to them. As we often say, resources and websites, social networks and helplines are good – but it is the people who care that matter the most.

The week started with a performance by Gary Sinise and the Lt. Dan Band, and the energy stayed high for the next four days. A warmer, more receptive evening could not be imagined, and you’ll see pictures on the home page of VCG. Our Jill was even treated to a late night songfest with the band as they relaxed and did karaoke! J On a more serious note, the speeches and presentations, along with the smaller breakout sessions were very helpful in addressing TBI/PTSD, Intimacy, Benefits, Mental Health Counseling and Assessments, adaptive vehicles, a robust Job Fair, and opportunities for families to be very, very comfortable among those whose lives were very similar. As we said in our presentation: “What is a successful reintegration? It is coming as close as possible to the life that you led before injury.” This conference was one more step toward that goal, and the experiences so varied and rich that I cannot do them justice in a short blog entry.

Please stay abreast of these organizations so that you’re aware of the next conference in December of 2011. They are truly committed to supporting both veteran families and especially the Caregivers, and we were very gratified to know that they will allocate double the time for our presentation next year. Benefits alone feels like drinking from a fire hose, and learning of a resource intended just for Caregivers was new to most everyone in the conference.

Please spread the word to those you know who would benefit from the conference and VCG, and keep the questions and peer support coming. We are much stronger together – so speak up, let the VSO’s and VA know what you need, and keep supporting one another.

Happy New Year!

Linda

Blessings this holiday season.

2010-12-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

Christmas gets me thinking about family a lot. My family are scattered all over the world but our roots, way back, were from Ireland. I wanted to wish everyone here a very happy holiday season and I can find no better words that this old Gaelic Blessing.

Deep peace to you,
deep peace of the quiet Earth to you,
deep peace of the shining stars to you,
deep peace of the gentle night to you,
deep peace of Christ the light of the world to you,
deep peace of Christ to you.

You got 'possums?

2010-12-19T21:53:00.000-08:00

You know, those big rather scruffy looking creatures with a long naked tail that look like a rat from a nightmare. Well I got possums and I really wish I didn't.
I am not sure when they arrived but some months back I saw this tiny gray creature in the backyard, in daylight mind you, foraging among the plants. On looking closer I saw it was a baby possum. No sign of Mom anywhere and I thought she must have got hit by a car or something. That was then! Now, I think it was just a ruse to make me feel sorry for her kids so she didn't have to feed them! Of course I felt sorry for the little 'orphan' at the time, so I set out a bit of dog food for it, well at least that was until I realized it was helping itself to the cats food, and all the cats were complaining long and loud because their food dishes were empty.
I tried putting the cat’s food down in the daytime, thinking, in my foolish way, that as the possum got bigger it would be nocturnal. Oh no such luck. This possum obviously does not know the meaning of the word, because I have caught him strutting the backyard at all hours. Not only that, but Momma has decided they are onto a good thing and she has been coming out to feast also. They have outfitted themselves with a cozy nest at the back of my garden shed. I know where they are, sleeping in the very back corner and emerging to have a quick snack and then dodging back underneath to warmth and safety. OK I know I should get to the back of the shed and remove them, bodily if need be, but you have no idea what is in my shed. It would take the combined efforts of three men and a strong boy to get it all out! Even then, as the shed is about on its last legs, they would for sure be back in through one of the holes, once I had all the junk, er I mean stuff, replaced.
Tonight I went out to check the cat food and I thought it odd that the cats did not come out of their bed, which is on a table in front of the shed. THEN, I realized that the 'cat' had a naked tail - yep, it was the back end of the possum, curled up with its fat butt in the entrance of the cat’s bed and chomping on the food in there. I shook the bed and Momma just stuck her head in the back corner and ignored me. Finally I had to resort to low dealings and I tipped the whole table until she fell or rather rolled out onto the ground. Did she run? Did she heck! She shoved her head into the honeysuckle bush and ignored me. I figured she was working on the assumption that 'if I can't see you, you can't see me'. Short of removing her bodily I had no choice but to leave her there. I am hoping that she goes off in the spring and finds a mate, preferably in the next county.

Suicide - Active or Passive.

2010-12-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

Suicide is not a subject that many people want to discuss, however given the huge numbers of service men and women who are dying, not in combat, but from suicide, we need to not only discuss it but to work long and hard to prevent it.
We know about the active suicides to some extent. These are the ones where they are found with a gun in their hand and a last note written to friends or family. These are bad enough, but what I have been thinking a lot about are the passive suicides. These are the ones where the will to live is lost. Even though there may be no gun involved, there is a certain intent to come to an end of the current existence in some way. Often I believe it is not so much the though of “I want to die” but of “I cannot live like this”.
If we acknowledge that suicide, any suicide, is the result of stressors being way larger than the ability to cope, then we see that death, whether active or passive, could be viewed as the only possible option.
Standing on the outside, it is hard to know what goes on in someone else’s mind. It would be easy to say that there are many other options other than death. However, these same stressors can prevent anyone from being able to see the other options or being able to act on them, even if they are there. This is one reason why family support is so very important in suicide prevention.
I do have to say though, after dealing with the VA for so many years, I wonder how they believe that the options given to some of our service personnel could result in anything other than a desire to die, either quickly with a gun, or slowly in a passive way. I see such things as depression and lack of good pain control as being two huge hurdles that so many Vets have to deal with. Vets are expects to ‘suck it up’ and try and live with or ignore the pain and this is not only physical pain but also emotional pain. Being able to ‘suck it up’ is possible for most of us on a short term basis. Most of our Vets are dealing with this over the long term. Living in constant pain becomes so wearing that almost any alternative would be a relief. I know there are Veterans who believe that their family would be better off if they were gone. Their spouse would get over it and find happiness with someone else. Many Vets try and alleviate the pain and depression with alcohol or illegal drugs. Once these enter the picture, rational thought is distorted and suicide may seem to be the best or only choice.
There is also another and darker aspect to the medications that so many Vets are given. Veterans who indicate depression are almost guaranteed to be given an antidepressant. The problem is that so many antidepressants actually make things worse rather than better, and can cause someone to take their own life.
I do not think that the VA takes this seriously enough. They do not pay enough attention to the things that they are doing, or in many cases not doing, which causes someone to think of suicide.
I do not have any magic answer for this but I do know that unless we bring this out into the open and discuss it, we are going to lose a lot of valuable human beings whose lives will be cut short far too soon.

Why most people do not understand Veterans Injuries.

2010-12-12T23:07:00.000-08:00

I have noticed quite a few remarks on this subject, both here and in other places, and I have been giving it some serious thought. With our ability today to show what life is like in Iraq and Afghanistan, you would think that most people would understand how so many of our Vets are so badly hurt. Particularly so at the start of the recent encounters, when the TV news stations had a minute-by-minute view of the death and destruction. This being so, why are folks not seeing what this does to the men and women who are on the spot?
I think I place at least part of the blame on the violence in so many movies. These movies show as many explosions as it is possible to fit into a few minutes of screen time. We can enjoy falling bodies and burning debris in slow motion. What the movies do NOT show are the after effects of such violence. The hero comes through unscathed; his face is never burned beyond recognition; he has both eyes and both arms and legs. He, or she, appears to suffer no adverse effects from being thrown on the ground from a fast moving vehicle, dropped from a helicopter or dumped off a bridge in a fiery crash. Even though at some level, we must recognize this as being very unlikely in real life, I think most audiences never really equate what they see with what real life is actually like for our troops.
Little is reported about those who are injured. If the injured are thought of at all, it is assumed that all the injured are well taken care of. Anything about care that reaches the national news is usually of the dramatic rescues or the drama of field surgery. How often do we see the effects of brain injuries or of the family who struggles with a disfigured son or husband. I mean, this wasn't in the script, was it.
I also lay blame on the violence in video games. Recently I watched one of my Grandsons playing a particularly, to me at any rate, horrible game. The main object appeared to be to spread as much of your opponent over the screen as possible and in the fastest time. Again there are no repercussions for the hero.
I do seriously think that what the TV news shows, comes over as just like another movie or X-Box game. No bad after-effects, and at the end of the day they wash off the fake blood and go home.

Welcome to our new Blog!

2010-11-26T12:34:00.000-08:00

Hello VetCaregivers!

In the last six months, we have been so honored to share your Caregiver journeys, trials, challenges, and yes, joys and much laughter. And, in the course of our many conversations with those who care specifically for Veterans, we have met many wonderful caregivers who are learning the Caregiving role and the military medical system the hard way.

Two very special people will be sharing their walk toward recovery of their OIF/OEF veterans, but from the perspectives of a spouse and that of a parent. Postings will be made by VetSpouse and VetMom, and though their experiences may not exactly mirror yours, we hope that you will find their information and thoughts provoking, engaging, helpful, and comforting.

In the next week, look for postings that reflect many of your experiences, with some added personal insights of looking systemically at the continuum of care from battlefield to home communities. We believe this blog will become the source of much discussion and lively interchange, and we are respecting their anonymity as requested.

Occasionally, I will also post progress points or ask for your input on specific issues, but this blog is intended for YOU, the dedicated Caregivers of Veterans.

Cheers,

Linda