Have you
ever looked around the halls of the VA, or seen caregivers together in a
group? Do you automatically note those
that seem to magically command more respect and response? It is a troubling fact that if we don’t know
how to present ourselves to others that we won’t receive the same answers,
directions, or decisions – but it’s true.
One of the
most common questions and concerns from caregivers is this: “I always feel invisible and ignored by the
care team, what can I do to change that?” Just as it’s
often impossible to change the situation and circumstances, there are choices
to make to increase your success percentage.
Remember that small changes add up, and you can try them and discard
what doesn’t work for you. If your life
is made smoother by these small acts, it’s not only possible, it’s probable that you’ll continue to make
positive changes. These are skills and
results that no one can take away from you.
Work with
us for a minute. Some may seem petty, illogical
or unnecessary, but they work. If you
feel uncomfortable, add or adapt these skills to better suit you and work them
in slowly.
First let’s
start with doing your research. Know
what appears to be available to you, or know the information you need for your
family. No presence in the world will
help if you are asking for something impossible. Armed with the facts and the questions, look
in the mirror. Fact: People are often ignored because they lack
Presence. You're tired, frustrated,
weary of the strain of trying so hard to be heard, and it can show in your body
language.
The
simplest way to be seen and heard is to change your posture and to stand
tall. (Yes, the old adage of imagine yourself pulled up by a string, shoulders, hips, and heels in line.) Tired people often stoop and give
an air of vulnerability. That can sometimes work to your advantage, but
standing tall gives you a better physical presence. We are a nation of “slumpers”. People note someone who stands out in a room.
Lift your
chin and look people directly in the eye. This “speaks” firmly without saying a
word. It says "I know what we need
to accomplish today,” and conveys to the other person you are (of course!)
anticipating a professional response. It’s much harder to avoid/ignore someone
who is direct, standing tall, and commanding attention. You’ve watched it before. Presented in a way different from the pack, certain
people seem to get a good response from exactly the same question! You want to be that person.
Know what
you are seeking to make it easier for someone to help you. If you don't know the exact words for the
document or title of the person you seek, then ask if you're using the correct
terminology. Your stand-tall presence quietly and your tone of voice says, "I'm here to find
answers and I will still be standing here until you help me, or guide me to
someone else who can." Next step if
they’re not helpful is to say, in the same calm, no-attitude voice, “Okay, I see this is
more complicated than I thought; will you please direct me to your supervisor,
or someone who can help me?” Persist. Stopped by a regulation? Ask to see it or where to find it. HIPAA hurdle? Your paperwork says you're entitled to see the records if all is in order.
You've done your research and now follow the chain of command upward. Persist.
As you go higher and you’re being reasonable, now people are more likely to help you, because the pressure is building - for them.
Is it really so difficult a question that five levels of people don’t
know the answer? Persist. We know many a
caregiver who asked for directions to the Director’s office and sat waiting
until they received an answer to their relatively simple question.
Engage
fully with erect posture, direct eye contact, and increased presence - you will
find you gain better results. Presence
is a leadership skill that has faded for many people in the same way a firm
handshake is missed. Enhanced presence
and leadership skills are a work in progress and will always help you.
Make the
choice to grow; leadership skills never get old. Stand out in the crowd with an improved
presence – and receive the answers you need to move forward.
Linda
Kreter & the
VeteranCaregiver
Team
