Suicide Straight Talk: Transforming Taboo to Hope

Greetings, friends,

Last night, I was sent this blog posting by a veteran and asked to post it if I felt it was worthwhile.  I thought it was striking and very relevant.  Please let us know your thoughts on this difficult topic here or on Veterancaregiver. Here it is:

I recently had a discussion with a person who is advocating for veterans with PTSD that went down the road of talking about suicide.  For me, having been through my own issues with not wanting to live, having been first and second hand witness to others taking their lives, the topic doesn't scare me.  As I relayed my thoughts about suicide and other subjects of significantly less importance I realized the person had fled somewhere inside their mind.  Then the walls went up and the discussion was over.  It was like I was a very scary person for being so plain and being so up front about this topic.  I was surprised and mystified.  

I have been involved in spiritual groups from many traditions, psych groups of all kinds and though we'll talk all about disease and people killing each other and even advocate, some from a very clearly spiritual place, that it's quite all right to kill people who may or may not be a threat to the proverbial us/U.S., it would seem the subject of suicide is still taboo.  

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I told another person I consider to be a friend that I think this is wrong and backward.  If the collective we aren't supposed to talk about it how are we to heal it?  Suicidality shows as a symptom in a larger cluster of symptoms for many mental illnesses and also for illnesses deemed terminal.  Here's the problem.  We'll go to extremes in health care to manage symptoms that cause discomfort but the ONE symptom that will cause death we treat in a completely different manner.  We're told NOT to talk about it.  We're told to let someone else at a call center who has never met our loved one talk to them.  Basically, we're told to be quiet, let the professionals handle it and tell the same to our vets.  

Now wait a minute.  Convince me that some stranger knows my vet or that my vet knows anyone who knows how they're feeling BETTER than me or my vet does.  I'm not buying it.  So now the caregiver is made even more uncomfortable because they've been told they know less about someone they love and they've gotten the double whammy of being told they're just not capable of handling things.  That's not character building and now it's possible there is a wall in a relationship that might not have been there before.

Consider this from the veteran's perspective.  The vet talks to the person they trust probably the most about the subject and thinks they have made a wise choice.   But it all goes sideways because caregivers are being told they can't handle this.  If then the next stop is diversion to a crisis hotline and the call goes well the vet is still left to believe that their person who they chose to trust, probably for good reasons, isn't who they're SUPPOSED to talk with.  The vet is left feeling that they don't know themselves, can't make sound decisions and suicidal statements of any kind will get the police called to take them for supervision on a psych unit.  Obviously, you don't want to dis-empower someone who is experiencing a symptom that can kill them.  But having been through this that is exactly what happens.  

Many vets have vowed never to call for help if they need it and since they were told either explicitly or implicitly that they should have known not to talk to the person/people they trust, now the system has very effectively isolated them.  Sadly, isolation is also a symptom that has a high potential to kill and has been proven to drive people over the edge who were plainly functional before they were isolated.  If this sounds too extreme consider the topic.

Now consider that we train our military to kill people.  Every single person in the military, unless they didn't make it out of their initial training, is trained to kill.  Right now we have a slew of folks coming home who have been in theater, reacting, and their transition back to civilian life or even just every day military life at home is completely different.  When you have viewed life through red alert long enough, fight or flee, kill or be killed, or freeze to avoid any notice, NOTHING is normal anymore.  Every single thing is processed through this new normal.  Healing can be had but it doesn't happen overnight and if we don't encourage people to talk who have been trained to kill, the results, as proven already by statistics, are going to be horrible.

My bottom line is this.  I've been there.  I've attempted and failed.  I've thought a lot about that and I've still thought about dying by my own hands.  I have watched the aftermath of that and also experienced suicide this winter by a friend of someone who is very dear to me who was brilliant and had a beautiful wife and baby girl.  His diagnosis?  Major Depression.  Depression didn't kill him; suicidality as a taboo symptom acted out killed him.  I have isolated myself from people who might listen because I'm terrified they won't.  Why?  Because I've been told I'm wrong and crazy and that somebody knows better than me about me and somebody knows better than the people who love me.

I am certain this is wrong.  We need to push for VA and the DoD to help caregivers and veterans and/or those still enlisted to OPENLY talk about suicide.  We need to talk about that SYMPTOM because there's a good chance in this case the diseases and disorders can be managed but that symptom will kill you.  We need to stop punishing and demeaning people who may not be trained in psych but do possess common sense and love their people.  The folks who love me can call 911 just as easily as somebody in a call center and they might actually be able to speak intelligently about what led up to the symptom escalating.  We need to stop punishing people who have this symptom and want to just talk because if somebody is actively suicidal the Hell in their mind is far greater than any punitive or embarrassing action someone will take against them.  Too many veterans have closed their mouths because of interactions like this.  We need to let our heroes come home again, no matter how many years later, without the stigma.

Until the statistics change for the better we need to keep talking about SUICIDE.  We need to form groups to talk ABOUT SUICIDE.  We need to stop telling people that a symptom is a crime because though not taken to prison, suicide is against the law in every state in this nation.  We need to empower people to lift one another up.  We need to enable and encourage caregivers and their vets to talk about this subject openly and to invite in care as they need and want it.  We need to have a complete change of policy with DoD so that enlisted military can talk without fear of repercussion.  We need to recognize that this is a United States of America problem and we all have a responsibility to unite and help shift it to a living solution. 

The greatest wars are the ones fought in our hearts.  Let's bring these warriors hearts together in respect and understanding.  It is long past time.

With Great Peace and Hope,

A USA vet 

© 2012


*Image created in Tagzedo

  

  

Have You Experienced 'The Shrug'?

Greetings, friends,

If actions speak louder than words, it appears the road ahead is rocky indeed. However, there IS hope if we persist in idea exchange and candid communication.

In this context, The Shrug is the non-verbal equivalent of "whatever". Every example below comes directly from VCG families.  Do you recognize any of the following examples of The Shrug as you've traveled the Care Continuum? 

You're a caregiver for an active duty service member (DoD side) and after a year, you don't have a stable Triad, you are chastised for missing appointments you didn't know about, and you work to dress your soldier with severe pain and depression for morning formation, and when you ask why? Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're moving into the rehabilitation phase of the service member's injury. You have no Comprehensive Care Plan, your daily load is very heavy, and you're living at the hospital/medical center with your spouse, adult child, sibling. You may be a single service member and you lack a Caregiver to advocate for you and your visible and invisible injuries. Both of you ask for help or resources that don't function as the brochure, website, or briefing said they would. Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're trying to make ends meet, you've lost your job (by email), the household bills don't stop, and you're full-time caregiving while living away from the home you're trying to keep, children who need to start school in a week, and you ask for assistance. Very little exists unless you fit a particular set of circumstances for a specific NPO. Shrug. If you are in the DC area, also get ready to move with your service member to a new facility where you begin anew and now need to carry a map along with the new staff. Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're finally home and in the VA system, your Vet has serious medical and emotional conditions and you know you cannot work, nor are you finding it smoother to communicate with the new medical professionals at the VA Medical Center. You're still requesting a Comprehensive Care Plan... You are now an expert at leaving voicemail and writing succinct emails. Shrug. The bills continue to mount, the ratings and funds are greatly delayed, your family wonders why you put up with your spouse or child's now-unfiltered behavior (PTSD/TBI), and your neighbors forgot you after the welcome home cookout. Shrug.

As the Caregiver, you're home after a serious suicide attempt by your Vet, you have sheltered your children or other family, but now those invisible wounds of war are exposed -- and you're really very scared and scarred yourself. Your calls to various coordinators are not returned for many days and when they are, they are either unable to assist or cannot until/unless you fill out more or duplicative paperwork. HIPAA is used as a barrier when you hold the medical and general POA's for your Vet. The helplines you call refer you to your local facilities, but you've already been down that road, or why would you call them? Shrug.

Continuing on, your Veteran is angry and depressed at the caregiving toll on you. Or, the Vet could also be angry with you for not making their world what it once was. (BTW, no one could ever fit in those tight shoes...) Personal counseling is impossible to schedule with your caregiving responsibilities, though you now feel as though you have secondary PTSD/anxiety/depression. Your world is closing in on you and you're merely coping, numb, or ready to quit. You have enlisted a good VSO, your state Dept. of VA, and your U.S. Senator and Congressman, and the machinations still go in a circle. You are adrift, feel overwhelmed, a wee bit furious, and very, very exhausted. Shrugs aplenty.

You're a single Veteran and you have done your level best to find a way to quietly obtain information, care, and resume your life to the best of your ability. You advocate for yourself and you feel isolated and forgotten. You may have experienced MST, homelessness, loss of your buddies, your ability to return to work or school, and you aren't sure who you really are anymore. Unreturned calls, ignored pleas for help, and a shrunken world only reinforce your perception of being "disposable". Shrug?

Most of life's successes result from great communication. So too the worst failures.

Let's replace The Shrug with respectful, two-way communication and understanding, shall we?  With open minds, logic, and compassionate care, this change is very possible.  Here's working toward that change together!

Linda

Suicide - Active or Passive.

Suicide is not a subject that many people want to discuss, however given the huge numbers of service men and women who are dying, not in combat, but from suicide, we need to not only discuss it but to work long and hard to prevent it.
We know about the active suicides to some extent. These are the ones where they are found with a gun in their hand and a last note written to friends or family. These are bad enough, but what I have been thinking a lot about are the passive suicides. These are the ones where the will to live is lost. Even though there may be no gun involved, there is a certain intent to come to an end of the current existence in some way. Often I believe it is not so much the though of “I want to die” but of “I cannot live like this”.
If we acknowledge that suicide, any suicide, is the result of stressors being way larger than the ability to cope, then we see that death, whether active or passive, could be viewed as the only possible option.
Standing on the outside, it is hard to know what goes on in someone else’s mind. It would be easy to say that there are many other options other than death. However, these same stressors can prevent anyone from being able to see the other options or being able to act on them, even if they are there. This is one reason why family support is so very important in suicide prevention.
I do have to say though, after dealing with the VA for so many years, I wonder how they believe that the options given to some of our service personnel could result in anything other than a desire to die, either quickly with a gun, or slowly in a passive way. I see such things as depression and lack of good pain control as being two huge hurdles that so many Vets have to deal with. Vets are expects to ‘suck it up’ and try and live with or ignore the pain and this is not only physical pain but also emotional pain. Being able to ‘suck it up’ is possible for most of us on a short term basis. Most of our Vets are dealing with this over the long term. Living in constant pain becomes so wearing that almost any alternative would be a relief. I know there are Veterans who believe that their family would be better off if they were gone. Their spouse would get over it and find happiness with someone else. Many Vets try and alleviate the pain and depression with alcohol or illegal drugs. Once these enter the picture, rational thought is distorted and suicide may seem to be the best or only choice.
There is also another and darker aspect to the medications that so many Vets are given. Veterans who indicate depression are almost guaranteed to be given an antidepressant. The problem is that so many antidepressants actually make things worse rather than better, and can cause someone to take their own life.
I do not think that the VA takes this seriously enough. They do not pay enough attention to the things that they are doing, or in many cases not doing, which causes someone to think of suicide.
I do not have any magic answer for this but I do know that unless we bring this out into the open and discuss it, we are going to lose a lot of valuable human beings whose lives will be cut short far too soon.