Forgiveness

All relationships create opportunities for communications, or no communication, but both words and deeds are powerful and once said or done, very difficult to un-hear and un-see.  Forgiveness is a powerful concept, but one of the most difficult actions and choices to make in life. 

How do you repair or maintain a relationship following harsh or painful words and actions?  Choosing first to repair the schism is important.  And, it may mean a conscious choice to address some painful personal truths.  Many neglect to look inward to closely analyze what may be something you’d rather forget – introspection and bald reality can be difficult to manage.  Yet, if you fail to learn from situations, you are likely doomed to both suppress negative emotions, and to repeat the behavior.

If you received harsh or painful words, it takes a very strong person to look unflinchingly at what occurred and to calmly analyze it before addressing it. It’s easy to immediately lash out verbally in retaliation, especially if the words or actions were unjustified or unfair.

We are all familiar with words said in anger, and despite the nursery rhyme about sticks and stones… some words wound and scar.  Only you can determine the intensity of the exchange and whether forgiveness is an option, but without resolution, you may find yourself bitter, not better.  This decision to repair can be rapid or take years, but it’s worth considering for a calmer, happier life.

Many people cannot or will not deal with conflict.  If you’re one of these, consider how repairing the friendship will affect your life.  Usually, it clears the air, and both people can move forward.  No matter the timeframe, carefully choose accurate, but kinder words to explain how you feel – whether you are the deliverer of the harsh words, or the recipient.  It’s now time to fix the error, not to blame or shame.  This may not be possible on the first try, and you may find that some conversations are not recoverable, and that door must be closed. 

If both people are open to nurturing a relationship after harsh words – which happens to all of us – it is possible to move forward, even without an apology if that occurs.  Respectfully hearing or saying that the situation is now regretted may be enough to begin the healing.  Perhaps the apology is at first a Band-Aid.  But, over time, when forgiveness is applied and the situation is not a repetitive pattern of hurt, relationships can grow stronger than before.

Why is it that as small children we could easily say we were sorry when we knew we were wrong?  Why is it hard sometimes to stand up for ourselves when we have been wronged?  Either scenario is made better with resolution and kindness.

Forgiveness frees and releases the pain and increases self-respect and respect in the relationship.

Linda Kreter & the 

VeteranCaregiver Team

Korean War Veteran Caregivers

All Caregivers matter to us.  And, learning about illnesses and conditions other era caregivers experience helps when meeting another caregiver during a VA appointment or at a veteran event.  Specifically, cold-related injuries and nuclear testing radiation exposure trouble many veterans of this era.

Korean War conditions include some today’s conditions, but the prevalent differences were cold-related injuries.  Frostbite and Trench foot, were major problems during the Korean War.  Veterans of the Battle of the Chosin Reservoir had especially high rates of severe cold injuries, and over 5,000 troops required evacuation for the effects of cold injury during the winter of 1950-51.  Many veterans never sought VA help due to battlefield conditions or because their service medical records may no longer exist. 

Long-term delayed symptoms include peripheral neuropathy (nerve pain), arthritis, foot problems, stiff toes, and cold sensitization.  Age may worsen these conditions, and complications such as diabetes or peripheral vascular disease put them at higher risk for late-in-life amputations.

Photo:  John P. Collins

Many Korean War veterans may have participated in 250 atmospheric and underwater nuclear weapons tests conducted primarily in Nevada and the Pacific Ocean between 1945 and 1962.  These vets are known at A-Vets or Atomic Veterans, and number 560,000 troops. Approximately 195,000 surviving "Atomic-Vets" alive today may not know that their "oath-of-secrecy" tied to their nuclear weapons testing duty has been lifted, allowing them to now speak freely of their personal experiences.  A-Vets may be entitled to "service-connected" benefits for illness caused by their exposure to atomic radiation particles while on active duty, and benefits are also available to spouses of deceased Atomic-Veterans.

The National Association of Atomic Veterans is a strong resource, and please go to the Video Resource section of www.VeteranCaregiver.com to have a larger list of resources mailed directly to your inbox.  We appreciate the caregivers of the Korean War and hope that caregivers of every era support one another in whatever ways possible!

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

Autism Caregiving: Early Diagnosis & Early Interventions

VeteranCaregiver receives inquiries every month about information and support for military and veteran caregivers also caring for a child with Autism.  There is a great deal of crossover in caregiving with the lack of time, overwhelm, fatigue, concern, and lack of adequate self-care.

We’d like to raise awareness about early diagnosis and early interventions. Timing can be critical in life, and just as with TBI and PTSD, the sooner effective treatment begins, the more beneficial the outcomes.  Earlier genetic testing can provide earlier interventions, critically important for future capabilities and quality of life.  Please seek the advice of your care team with questions about your personal situation.

Autism is the leading developmental disability today, with nearly 3% of the population falling on the spectrum.  While leading experts have yet to find a definite cause or cure, there is help and support available. We recently interviewed Scott Fowler on our radio program.  He is a retired special education administrator, an Autism Subject Matter Expert -- and a parent caregiver of a child on the spectrum.  A common saying is that if you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person, since each are unique.  The radio program is titled More Alike Than Different and is available on Military Network Radio.com (http://bit.ly/AutismEarlyDx).  

Coming soon:  Autism Outreach Network

Autism is diagnosed through often lengthy behavioral observation, with most diagnoses coming between the ages of four and five.  This is the ‘diagnostic odyssey’, referring to the time-span from initial concerns to an actual diagnosis. New technologies now make diagnosis possible through specialist referral to genetic testing from birth forward, which can lead to available interventions at an earlier age, which is an advantage to your child and the family.

Occupational Therapy and Speech & Language Therapy are the two most commonly used early interventions.  Occupational Therapy addresses the child’s relationship to the environment around them and Speech Therapy helps with the range of speaking issues that promote communication. The sooner these services are started, the better the overall life outcomes for your child. 

Parents have highly attuned intuition about their children, and if you have doubts or concerns about the timely development of your child, don’t wait, but talk with your care provider immediately.  Ask directly about diagnostic genetic testing and for prescriptions for both occupational therapy and speech/language therapy evaluations and have them completed.  You are building your child’s care team, and the sooner you act, the sooner your child can realize their fullest potential.

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

DARE to be Happy - Go Ahead & Step out on the Limb (Where the Fruit Is)

Happiness can be an elusive concept if you’re not consciously working toward it.  Quick – ask yourself when you last felt happiness?  Hopefully, you can identify something that made you laugh, or a warm conversation that boosted you one afternoon.  However, if you feel as though you’re unable to lift your spirits doing things that usually make you happy, and nothing makes you smile anymore, those are signals you may need professional help for dysthymia or depression.

Let’s shift back to happiness.  Are there times as a caregiver when you don’t feel it’s okay to be happy?  Do you ever feel guilty or pause and tell yourself that someone else has it worse than you do?  It’s important to not compare ourselves with others, and undeserved guilt can hold you hostage.

Caregivers are often so hard on themselves that even when time becomes slightly more available, you don’t dare to be happy. Well-being is an intentional shift to more positive thoughts and fewer negative ones.  While easier said than done, happiness really is a choice. Did you know that when you learn to redirect your thoughts to the positive, your brain will physically develop new neural connections?  With time and practice, happiness can become your default mindset.  The Happiness Advantage book by Shawn Achor is a great reference and easy to read. 

Happiness can be promoted by eating properly and ensuring your body has sufficient Vitamin D, obtained through food, supplements, and synthesized from sunlight.  Millions of people are Vitamin D deficient and during the winter, lack of Vitamin D is linked to SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

Exercise is a classic boost for endorphins and feel-good hormones, and a great step toward more restorative sleep.  The American Psychiatric Association has found exercise very helpful even when used as a stand-alone therapy for depression! Combined with talk therapy, there is value in the physical activity, and for the accomplishment.  

As you dare to focus on yourself and the potential of happiness, we come once again to a powerful means of viewing life with a brighter perspective:  appreciation and gratitude.  Consider the people and situations you’re grateful to have in your life.  Keep a gratitude journal, note thoughts on your smartphone, and recall that “how you feel is how you see the world”.  The head follows the heart, so it’s important to share thoughts of appreciation and thankfulness. 

Take time to consider how you fit activities, connections, or moments into your life.  Dare to be happy, and recognize that caregiving is only part of who you are.  In changing your mindset, it’s very possible that you’ll positively influence others around you.  Take a chance, and dare to be happy -- then make it a habit!

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

Caregiver Self-Identity: Who Am I Now? It's YOUR Choice --

A caregiver wrote VeteranCaregiver recently saying, "I used to be a marketing executive before becoming a full-time caregiver.  But I've lost my identity and don't feel accomplished or even know myself anymore?"

Such a good question; our self-identities can be swallowed whole by caregiving.  It can happen gradually over time, but you are not alone.  It's very easy to get lost in the daily grind, completing tasks, becoming more and more tired, and tending to everyone’s needs except your own.  You are last on the list.

Truthful statement:  only you can carve out time for you.  If you have become accustomed to putting aside everything that once gave you joy, does that help your situation at home?  Does it help you feel good, or like a martyr.  A therapist once said this:  “You need to choose, are you a martyr or a victim?”  Neither of those labels felt good, and were rejected.  How dare she say that?! 

But, if we make the conscious choice to set our boundaries, set aside a small portion of the day, and refuse to relinquish ourselves to others’ needs entirely, we will be better caregivers and individuals.  You haven’t lost your gifts and talents, and those unique traits are inside you – you just need to take the tarp off and give yourself permission to claim them.  

There will always be those who complain, and complaining is fine if it leads to possible solutions, but of little value if not.  No judgment here, but only you can help you begin your personal growth or to beef it up.  Best of all, you have now learned new skills, some of which you may take for granted.  Did you ever think you’d be able to direct the medical care of a loved one, or wade through bureaucracy with determination and purpose?  These new skills have made you a stronger, more accomplished version of yourself if you’ll stop to recognize it! 

Take the time to write down your skills; what are you good at, what are your new talents, even write a resume.  Add notes on your smartphone, and read them to yourself or post it on your mirror to remind you that you are worthy, smart, savvy, and you matter.  Create a LinkedIn profile because in doing so, you’ll realize your skills are valuable, and you'll have an identity outside of your daily role.  Then Follow other people of interest and start learning anew. This is Post Traumatic Growth.  Many caregivers find new skills and experiences give them new capabilities, and IF they consider them, new self-confidence.  You are "more" than your daily caregiving!

With introspection, time spent thinking about you - yes, you - you will see ways to reinvent yourself, recall your strengths, and take back you.  You are worth it - take the time to believe it!

Linda Kreter & the
VeteranCaregiver Team

Leadership Skills & Personal Growth

You probably don’t sit around a lot (if at all!) thinking about your leadership skills.  But, what if you could grow your skills by viewing life in a new way?  You're already on the path to learning new skills to be the best caregiver possible, so consider your value. 

You navigate the medical maze.  You research and communicate to a care team and your family member about medications, appointments, mobility logistics, and scheduling.  Aren’t you the "leader of the pack" for caregiving in your family? 

John C. Maxwell, the leadership expert defines Leadership as Influence.  Your ability to consider your tasks from the perspective of your value and influence is powerful.  Science has shown that seeing situations and communications positively can lead to better outcomes.  And, improving your communication skills (tone, presence, body language, preparation and more) feels better when you view yourself as “someone to reckon with” due to your skills.  This is growing your leadership skills and mindset.  

Positively framing your thoughts leads to personal growth and an evolving positive perspective when practiced mindfully.  Wonderfully too, Leadership Skills can be developed at the pace you choose.  You cannot always change the situation around you, but you can change your reaction and response to it.

There is enormous value in being able to express yourself well and to show in subtle ways you are resourceful, knowledgeable and worth listening to as a caregiver. The confidence with becoming a more assured Leader will help you in every aspect of your lives.  

Sometimes it takes someone else to state what you don't yet believe, but the caregivers we know are strong, smart, solutions-oriented, and care warriors.  To help, take a look at any of the books on the www.VeteranCaregiver.com Recommended Reading section; just 10 pages or 10 minutes listening a day can change your life for the better.

We strongly believe in you!  

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team