Caregiver Peer Support - In Person...

Greetings,


We apologize for not writing yet in 2014; it has been a very busy year so far.  More postings soon, but for now, one important, recurring point.

Online caregiver peer support is great, but if it's possible for you, we suggest setting up an in-person caregiver meeting in your community. If you choose, include family caregiver supporters too.  It's up to you.


There's something about looking someone in the eye who understands, and nothing replaces a hug.  Pick a place, set a time, and whoever shows up - you can visit, talk, debate, and share.  If no one shows that day, give yourself the gift of quiet time.  We highly recommend it.


Caregivers and those who support them are exceptional people. In 2014, give yourself the gift of meeting other caregivers beyond the Internet. It's a very old Barbra Streisand song, but "People, people who need people are the luckiest people of all!"  Reach out and grow your in-person network through your community organizations, your churches, and your civic organizations.


Your heart and head will thank you.


 Linda Kreter and the VeteranCaregiver Support Team.

The Little Things Matter

You don’t ask for much for yourself, and you do so much for everyone else.  

Sometimes it’s the little things that matter when you’re a Caregiver. 

It’s the person in the grocery store line that urges you to go first because you have your hands full with a small child or two and a visibly uncomfortable veteran spouse.

It’s when someone you know writes you an “I’m thinking about you, how are you?” email, card, or posting.

It’s when a small child pats your daughter’s artificial leg and asks if she can still play soccer?

It’s a hug from a friend when no words need to be spoken, and you really needed that hug.

 

It’s when you’re in a crowd, things start feeling dicey for your family, and without a blink, a kind stranger guides you out to an open space.

It’s a callback, a referral, a resolution to a long-standing challenge, or an appointment that fits your schedule without juggling.

It’s when your son shows a glimmer of his old self; a remembered quirk, a breakthrough comment.

It’s a jug of wildflowers left outside your door with a note saying, “Sorry I missed you”.

It’s when someone offers you a flexible job because you clearly have it together and they love your work/life ethics.

It’s when you sit down and weep for what you’ve lost, and at the same time, you realize that you’re wiser/stronger/better than you were before.

It’s when your pet curls up beside you, simply because they sense that you need it.

And, when those small things occur, and you’ve noticed them?  You have become someone extra-extraordinary with a grateful heart.

Blessings and care,

Linda Kreter and the VeteranCaregiver Team

Response to Military Suicide Article

In response to this NY Times article:  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/08/us/with-military-suicides-rising-new-policies-take-shape.html?hpw&_r=0

The Pentagon's "Quick" Fix is NO FIX to Military Suicide

By:  Rev. Dr. Chrys L. Parker, J.D., PTSD specialist

It's an unfortunate irony that the Defense Department apparently believes that its proposed ban on servicepersons' privately owned guns will serve as a "silver bullet" that will prevent or reduce suicide among service members. 

Such a proposal, while no doubt well intended, is reflective of the Pentagon's misguided and ineffective search for quick and simplistic answers to complex problems of the human psyche, which are the inevitable product of war.  While the military is undoubtedly skilled in marshalling men and regulating the use of arms on the battlefield, the ongoing battle within the mind of the traumatized and suicidal soldier is of a very different kind.   The skills needed for the first kind of battle are ineffectual in fighting the second. 

The military was designed to fight wars, and does so with competence.   But as an institution, the military was never designed to be the curer of wounded souls.  When confronted with the alarming psychological byproduct of war,  the military seeks to employ "default" solutions which, in its estimation, will fix a problem through the issuance of orders.

 Soldiers do not become suicidal simply because they possess weapons.  And they will not avoid suicide, based on an order not to possess them.  After all, suicide may just as easily be accomplished with a service weapon, and frequently is.  If possession of private weapons is (erroneously) deemed to be the factor which initiates suicide, then we must be led to the ludicrous conclusion that a ban on all weapons, including service weapons, would be in order if we are to really get serious about reducing the rate of military suicide.

 Obviously, the Pentagon is not logically thinking this problem through to its thoroughly illogical conclusion.  In a desperate move to find a quick "fix" that can be implemented by legislation and M.P.'s, instead of through appropriate, empathic and personally rendered care, the military is firing without aiming first.  It seeks to control the means of suicide, without bothering to examine the reasons that warriors adopt those means in the first place. 

And, to be sure,  there are plenty of means that remain available to the suicidal serviceperson, whether private firearms are banned or not.   It is patently obvious that the nameless "senior Defense Department officials," who have concocted the suggested ban on private weapons,   spend little or no time whatsoever actually talking, working, or counseling with REAL suicidal warriors, like the ones I see and counsel every day.  

In coming to illogical conclusions about what drives suicide, or by what means it is accomplished, the Pentagon appears not to learn from its own reports. For proof of that, one may look back at the DoD Epidemiological  Report on Suicide for  the year 2009, which references the number of suicides accomplished by hanging. 

Would the Pentagon therefore propose that we inspect the house of every warrior for rope and seize the household clothesline, as an "effective" plan for suicide reduction?   Having begun with private weapons, and moved on to rope,  should we also plan on banning razors, kitchen knives,  motorcycles,  and automobiles,  which are also prominent instrumentalities of suicide? 

The additional suggestion that prescription drugs be removed from households by spouses of "at risk" soldiers is irrational and ineffective.  It presumes, first, that "at risk" soldiers can be systematically identified.  Suicidal soldiers will be the first to tell you that if they are truly serious about taking their lives, they will deliberately evade identification.

Assuming, however, that a soldier is identified as genuinely "at risk" of suicide, that soldier ought to be in treatment, NOT left sitting in his bathroom contemplating the contents of the medicine cabinet.  Having failed to make adequate treatment accessible, the military is shifting the burden of care to spouses, who are not the proper persons upon whose shoulders the psychiatric management of soldiers should be foisted. 

I am sure that the good intentions of Dr. Jonathan Woodson,  Assistant  Secretary of Defense for Health Affairs, are not to be doubted… only his ability to grasp the obvious.  The "obvious" is that (l) removal of prescription drugs may also serve to defeat the administration of bona fide medical treatment;  (2) removal  of the drugs of one person would  extend to removal of  ALL drugs for  ALL family members ;  and  (3)  a suicidal soldier may obtain lethal drugs from many sources outside the home ,  including the $3.00 bottle of acetaminophen (Tylenol) from the local drug store. 

The illogic of these proposals, not to mention their unconstitutionality, is astonishing.

"Orders" are things the military knows well.  Orders lend, to the military, both the internal feeling and the public perception that  things are "under control."   Orders are calming, because they make it appear that a problem has been put to rest.  But "orders" are also utterly ineffective to salve the deep wounds which cause many warriors to lose all sense of meaning and all desire to live.  The only thing which this proposed order will put to rest, are the lifeless bodies of soldiers who have ended their lives, in countless other ways,  despite the military's "orders" that they not commit suicide by firearm.

 As a mental  health provider,  as a Chaplain in service to military members and veterans, and as a contract military trainer,  it pains me to see the military utilize its time, resources, and talented personnel in continually avoiding the nature of the suicide problem, instead of addressing its underlying realities.

Suicide is not a weapons problem, or a drug problem, any more than it is a rope or razor problem.  It is an existential problem… a deep wound to soul and psyche of incalculable depth, which creates an absolute belief in the mind of the warrior that his or her existence is absolutely of no value or worth.  This is what drives suicide.

What is actually of no value or worth in preventing suicide is the use of weapons bans, prescription bans, or digitized slide shows which attempt to "lecture" despairing soldiers into  living against their will, rather than by providing them the relational care they need.

For some, suicide is the only means of escaping the unremitting terrors of gruesome and horrifying battles that are continually re-enacted in flashbacks which medication cannot remedy.  For others, suicide feels like the only "adequate penance" for intense guilt over having survived when one's buddies did not.  For others it is a reflection of the inability to "occupy" a body or soul that has become soiled by the brutalities of war, or the deaths of others caused by the performance of one's duty. 

Every warrior who suicides has his or her reason.   But whatever the reason, all suicides constitute a "final solution" for  people whose deep personal pain is fed not  by guns, but by mental, social and spiritual isolation, exclusion,  and the knowledge that the relational support  which they experience in the combat theater is no longer present for them when they return to the rear. 

It was my privilege to go to the Iraqi theater in 2010.  Now I understand why warriors are at lesser risk of suicide in theater than they are at home.  There is not a single suicidal warrior whom I counsel who would not willingly return to the war overseas, where men and women are kept alive by the close relational bonds connecting those who live, work and fight together and have a shared sense of life's meaning.  Society, however, often defines meaning in wholly different terms, into which some returning servicepersons no longer fit in the light of what they have experienced.   As a result they quickly feel unfit to be a part of the society they risk so much to defend. 

 Sadly, where some servicepersons they believe they DO "fit" is in deep, black emotional chasms into which warriors fall soon after they return to a life that is full of material comforts, but bereft of meaning.

 No private weapons ban will instill the will to live in warriors whose lives have been stripped of meaning.  Stripping them of weapons will only encourage them to look for other available exits from life. 

 Better that our military and our entire society focus our attention less on the false comforts of quick fixes, and more on providing empathic care, rendered shoulder to shoulder and face to face.  The hope that defuses suicidality is not found in a military "no weapons" order, but in the eyes of  other human beings who truly care.

Rev. Dr. Chrys L. Parker is co-author, along with Harry Croft, M.D., of the book I Always Sit with My Back to The Wall. She is a clinical chaplain, pastoral counselor and trauma therapist who has provided care for over 2,500 traumatized persons.  Harry Croft M.D. is a former Army doctor and psychiatrist who has evaluated more than 7,000 veterans with PTSD.  Visit www.mybacktothewall.com

How Do You Keep Going?

Good evening,

It has been a very tough week.  And, somehow, it’s harder to manage the emotional turmoil when the weather is beautiful than in the cold of winter.  We are always, always glad to help Caregivers and their families, but it’s becoming more difficult to understand why the multiple calls and connections we make on behalf of families isn’t being done by those whose jobs exist solely to assist Veterans.  No system is perfect, but the dysfunction seems epic.

Ask yourself if any of the following surprises you?

·         Veteran cannot get a replacement motorized scooter for broken one when completely immobile without it

·         Caregiver cannot obtain monthly pain meds for husband with over 5 days notice, and goes without meds over weekend (31 days wreaks havoc)

·         Veteran has two orthopedic surgeries (one corrective of the other) and is sent home without assistance nor coordination with Caregiver

·         Rehabiliation specialist tells the Caregiver to “Shut Up” when explaining the downward spiral of immobility of her husband

·         Families buy hospital bed/toilet/assistive devices/crutches/etc off Craigslist because cannot obtain after months of waiting

·         Veteran told his wheelchair is denied because his injury “isn’t service-connected enough”

·         Veteran told no admittance to PTSD program because “you need to be physically and mentally well first”

·         Veteran told by emergency line that “I see you’re a ‘frequent flyer’ on this line – what do you want this time?”

·         Caregiver and Veteran not heard when they explained that a med he took was causing him to be physically violent (they stopped it anyway)

·         Delay upon delay in ratings, mental health appointments, approvals, referrals, treatment

·         Calls and emails to VA care teams and coordinators not returned in two days, four days, a week, ever…

Thank goodness Caregivers and Veteran families are strong, well-spoken, and determined.  They have to be.  This VCG Community will continue to listen, respond, provide contacts and a warm hand-off to caring resources, and will find you that battle buddy, someone to help, and stick with you until the issues are resolved as far as possible.  We only wish that the indignities, the disrespect, and the undermining of the Caregiver and Veteran would dwindle and cease.  We look forward to the day when no one is surprised that we are asking for help for what you earned, that those that are paid to do so readily provide it, and then -- make it their responsibility to follow-up and care.

As a very old song goes:  Wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin, and prayin’,

The VeteranCaregiver Team

Suicide Prevention Month

Greetings, friends,


Through all the summer turmoil of torrid heat, tornadoes, floods, earthquakes, and a hurricane, and personal crises too numerous to mention individually, we now arrive in September, or Suicide Prevention Month.  What does this really mean? 


All too well, we know that Suicide Prevention is a constant and active choice.  It happens hour by hour, day by day, by those who care.  So many studies now affirm that caring peers and friends can help others to choose life over the very final decision to take their own lives.  Nearly all in this VCG Community can attest to the day a VCG Hug arrived at a crucial moment, someone took the time to reach out when silence was noted, and a call or email was sent or received that lifted spirits and made you feel cared for and about. With crisis, depression, or fear -- a caring word or thought can change an otherwise desperate outcome.


There are many, many official tools in place:  suicide hotlines, crisis helplines, online chat, and service branch programs. Valuable tools with the emphasis on the person in crisis taking that first step.  Other programs permit friends and families to identify and encourage obtaining help.  Yet, what about the simple act of situational awareness and realizing that you haven't seen or heard a word from "Jane" online/offline in a few days?  The gentle proactive outreach that says "I noticed you've been quiet; are you alright?"  There are countless occasions that accomplished the miraculous - this online community cares, and it shows.  


Bob Delaney's new book, "Surviving the Shadows" speaks of peer support as the most powerful tool available following trauma or crisis.  We agree wholeheartedly.  So, as this September enlightens many to greater awareness of noticing or identifying anguish, depression, and suicidal thoughts, please know and appreciate how YOU hold each other up, lift spirits, and give hope to those that feel or felt hopeless.  


Let's keep on caring, and reaching out to each other - you might matter to someone else more than you'll ever know... We care and it shows!


When in doubt - reach out!


Blessings and thanks,


Linda

To Complain or not to Complain, that is the Question

Borrowing a line from Shakespeare totally fits the dilemma that we have when dealing with the VA. When we get less than desirable treatment or when we have to deal with something which is dangerous or life-threatening, do we dare to complain?

Many who have made a complaint have been retaliated against. They have received even less care, have been told they are lying or that they are causing the problem. Entries are made in medical records which is difficult if not impossible to have removed. All of this allows the VA to put the blame on the patient or the caregiver and frees them from the necessity of dealing with the problem.

On the other hand, if we do not make a genuine complaint, we are left dealing with the fall-out of the lack of care. As usual, it is often the caregiver who deals with fall-out, which adds another layer of burden to a person who is already burdened beyond belief.

No matter how politely we make our complaint, no matter how much we follow protocol, no matter who we talk with and no matter how many people promise things will change, they rarely do for the better. The VA and the level of care appears to be in a downward spiral. As the current deployments come to an end, and our troops return, the pressure on the VA facilities will increase. In my opinion the level of care will decrease with the increase in patient load.

I have no answer for the issue of complaints, as it is a double edged sword. Every family must make a decision based on their circumstances and knowledge. No one should be penalized for complaining about lack of appropriate care, no one should be treated with disrespect because they do not fit the on-size-fits-all that the VA protocols are written for. What I do know is that this is an extremely unfair burden to place on both Veterans and those that care for them.

C.A.R.E.

Greetings, friends,
So much going on lately that is baffling, and I'm now thinking in riddles. Choose your own words, but here is how I believe we support one another here in our VCG Community:
C  =  Care and caring, considerate, communicating, coordination, collaboration
==>  Compassionate Care Connection
A =  Advocate, articulate, abundant, authentic, augment, awareness, amazing 
==> Authentic Advocacy
R =  Real, rewarding, renewal, renovate, review, rally, refresh, reemerge 
==> Realistic Renewal
E =  Educate, emerge, energize, embrace, effect, epitome, escape, enjoy 
==>  Effective Energy


We may not have control over much, but we are able to live supporting one another and choosing the positive words over the discouraging ones.  You are all amazing in your compassion for others. Wishing you a good day today!
Linda

Holidays are always tough when you have a disabled Vet to care for. Even with the best planning and the most ordered schedule, it is still a day of tension. Families do not understand the condition. Wounds that cannot be seen are not acknowledged; thoughtless or downright hurtful comments are made; and the caregiver ends up trying to soothe on the one hand while on the other, explaining, for the twentieth time, why Joe had to leave the table in the middle of dinner to remove his prosthesis. I went through all of these things and by the end of the weekend, I was really glad it was over.
It did not used to be like this. I used to love the lights and the visitors and the shopping and the baking. My life has changed so much and not for the better, but I know I do what I do out of love and caring.
I did learn something over these holidays though. I have to take care of myself more. I soothed when I should have said "Please do not say that" and I explained when I could have said, "Why ask the same question - are you waiting for a different answer? I did not say these things of course, but I felt like it. I can only imagine what this does to my blood pressure over the long haul. So I am about to begin a list of New Year Resolutions, and at the head of the list I am going to make sure I have Care for Self as a priority. Taking time for ourselves is always last on the list, but I am going to make sure I bump it up, at least to a small daily event, for without me, my Vet will spend the rest of his life in a Veteran's Home. Not a great prospect for a man who still has most of his life in front of him.