Leadership Skills & Personal Growth

You probably don’t sit around a lot (if at all!) thinking about your leadership skills.  But, what if you could grow your skills by viewing life in a new way?  You're already on the path to learning new skills to be the best caregiver possible, so consider your value. 

You navigate the medical maze.  You research and communicate to a care team and your family member about medications, appointments, mobility logistics, and scheduling.  Aren’t you the "leader of the pack" for caregiving in your family? 

John C. Maxwell, the leadership expert defines Leadership as Influence.  Your ability to consider your tasks from the perspective of your value and influence is powerful.  Science has shown that seeing situations and communications positively can lead to better outcomes.  And, improving your communication skills (tone, presence, body language, preparation and more) feels better when you view yourself as “someone to reckon with” due to your skills.  This is growing your leadership skills and mindset.  

Positively framing your thoughts leads to personal growth and an evolving positive perspective when practiced mindfully.  Wonderfully too, Leadership Skills can be developed at the pace you choose.  You cannot always change the situation around you, but you can change your reaction and response to it.

There is enormous value in being able to express yourself well and to show in subtle ways you are resourceful, knowledgeable and worth listening to as a caregiver. The confidence with becoming a more assured Leader will help you in every aspect of your lives.  

Sometimes it takes someone else to state what you don't yet believe, but the caregivers we know are strong, smart, solutions-oriented, and care warriors.  To help, take a look at any of the books on the www.VeteranCaregiver.com Recommended Reading section; just 10 pages or 10 minutes listening a day can change your life for the better.

We strongly believe in you!  

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

Caregiver Friendships - Evolving or Disappearing?

Simple fact:  caregiving is not an easy task.  It changes you and your previous life.

Many friends may love you, but they may be afraid of being put in the same role, so they now dodge you.  Their avoidance may be amplified because they find great difficulty in accepting what has happened to you and your family.  In others, the illness or injury may be painful to see. Not everyone has the same emotional maturity.

The best may also be brought out when you need it the most.  The friends who call, provide help unasked, and just listen when you need it are priceless.  When friends find the changes in you and your family member too hard to accept, those friends may fade away.  Try hard not to judge them, but instead appreciate those that remain true friends, especially as they support you when you are nearly out of patience and hope.

Support from others that understand your daily life can sustain you. Those friends are to be cherished and it's important to support them in reverse. That's a balanced friendship.  You may also find it wise to renew older friendships with those who are not caregivers, but who know YOU, and will listen, not judging you on hard days.  Judgment can wear down the strongest caregiver.

Be wise in who you surround yourself with, and approach new friendships slowly to discover the trust level possible. We are not suggesting wariness of new people, but we've all had the experience of being used by others and it doesn't feel good.  Betrayals by those we've let become close can cut deeply, and you want to avoid that as much as possible.

Assess yourself when you're with someone. Do you feel an energy or psychological boost when together or after a visit?  Do you feel uplifted or calmer?  Those are good friends!  Add people to your life that inflate you and who give you oomph and confidence. Minimize contact with those that diminish you. Reduce the drama; it's usually not worth it.  

There will always be both kinds of friends in the world, and seek support from good friends as they will grow with you.

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team 

Optimism is Contagious! Choose Those Around You Wisely

It can be very challenging to be positive when those around you are negative – harder still when those individuals are family members. How can you stay more positive in that situation?

The dynamics of any group are strongly affected by the mindset of those around you.  Since it's next to impossible to change other people (good luck with that!) or to avoid them if they're family (relocation?), one way to positively affect your own viewpoint is to consider your reaction when others act negatively.

Being around those always harping and negative is draining.  Being around those who are positive and optimistic can lift you up.  Think inflate versus deflate! If you're blessed to have a combination of people around you that can support you when you're down and you can do the same for them, that's great. There will always be the naysayers and some people are comfortable in their drama - but don't buy into that.

Work to five a handful of trusted friends who are positive, and can be called when you need a boost.  Do the same for them. If you surround yourself with positive people, then the negative ones you can't avoid will matter less to you.  I call them Toxic Clouds and I work to be pleasant to them, but remove myself when it's not mentally healthy for me to be around them. Do you really need Toxic Rain to fall on you?

Also, positive people help YOU to view things differently and that can be immeasurably helpful. We all have tough, down days, but when you can recall a kind, warm memory from something someone said to you, or incorporate it into your life, you will view things with greater optimism. I love the words from the book, The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson:  the little things in life are easy to do, but just as easy Not to do. 

As you learn to wade through the water with a more positive view, remember to pass it on.  Mirror the positive attitudes shown you, and now you become the Lifter and it becomes a habit to tune out the negative and re-frame it positively. Just as muscles learn movement to create muscle memory, so can your mind.  

Optimism is contagious, so seek new ways of dealing with the negatives you cannot avoid, surround yourself with Safe People, and grow your optimism and positive perspective daily. You CAN turn negative drama into Harmony for yourself.

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

Presence: Improve Your Outcomes

Have you ever looked around the halls of the VA, or seen caregivers together in a group?  Do you automatically note those that seem to magically command more respect and response?  It is a troubling fact that if we don’t know how to present ourselves to others that we won’t receive the same answers, directions, or decisions – but it’s true.

One of the most common questions and concerns from caregivers is this:  “I always feel invisible and ignored by the care team, what can I do to change that?” Just as it’s often impossible to change the situation and circumstances, there are choices to make to increase your success percentage.  Remember that small changes add up, and you can try them and discard what doesn’t work for you.  If your life is made smoother by these small acts, it’s not only possible, it’s probable that you’ll continue to make positive changes.  These are skills and results that no one can take away from you.

Work with us for a minute.  Some may seem petty, illogical or unnecessary, but they work.  If you feel uncomfortable, add or adapt these skills to better suit you and work them in slowly.

First let’s start with doing your research.  Know what appears to be available to you, or know the information you need for your family.  No presence in the world will help if you are asking for something impossible.  Armed with the facts and the questions, look in the mirror.  Fact:  People are often ignored because they lack Presence.  You're tired, frustrated, weary of the strain of trying so hard to be heard, and it can show in your body language. 

The simplest way to be seen and heard is to change your posture and to stand tall. (Yes, the old adage of imagine yourself pulled up by a string, shoulders, hips, and heels in line.) Tired people often stoop and give an air of vulnerability. That can sometimes work to your advantage, but standing tall gives you a better physical presence.  We are a nation of “slumpers”.  People note someone who stands out in a room. 

Lift your chin and look people directly in the eye. This “speaks” firmly without saying a word.  It says "I know what we need to accomplish today,” and conveys to the other person you are (of course!) anticipating a professional response. It’s much harder to avoid/ignore someone who is direct, standing tall, and commanding attention.  You’ve watched it before.  Presented in a way different from the pack, certain people seem to get a good response from exactly the same question!  You want to be that person.

Know what you are seeking to make it easier for someone to help you.  If you don't know the exact words for the document or title of the person you seek, then ask if you're using the correct terminology. Your stand-tall presence quietly and your tone of voice says, "I'm here to find answers and I will still be standing here until you help me, or guide me to someone else who can."  Next step if they’re not helpful is to say, in the same calm, no-attitude voice, “Okay, I see this is more complicated than I thought; will you please direct me to your supervisor, or someone who can help me?”  Persist. Stopped by a regulation? Ask to see it or where to find it.  HIPAA hurdle?  Your paperwork says you're entitled to see the records if all is in order.

You've done your research and now follow the chain of command upward.  Persist.  As you go higher and you’re being reasonable, now people are more likely to help you, because the pressure is building - for them.  Is it really so difficult a question that five levels of people don’t know the answer?  Persist. We know many a caregiver who asked for directions to the Director’s office and sat waiting until they received an answer to their relatively simple question.

Engage fully with erect posture, direct eye contact, and increased presence - you will find you gain better results.  Presence is a leadership skill that has faded for many people in the same way a firm handshake is missed.  Enhanced presence and leadership skills are a work in progress and will always help you.

Make the choice to grow; leadership skills never get old.  Stand out in the crowd with an improved presence – and receive the answers you need to move forward.

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

LEARN: Managing Triangular Communication

This is a practical blog post to correspond with the video of the same name. Learning this skill can make your world much, much better.  It will also baffle your adversaries! 

Do you recall a conversation with one person where a third person inserted themselves into the discussion?  Did you notice that the conversation rapidly became frustrating as your one-on-one conversation became a two-against-one situation with another agenda?  Triangular Conversation is in play... where you previously had a direct conversation.

                          Person 1 <----------------------------> Person 2

Certain people regularly use Triangular Communication as a means of manipulation and control. It's a good idea to manage, alter, or avoid these conversational events.  We see it early in life, when two children playing together enjoy themselves; but when a third arrives, the dynamic may be competitive and adversarial.  This challenging discussion style may be found whenever people communicate.

Triangular conversations have the potential to take on a difficult dynamic and alter the previous one-on-one communication.  If the person is simply nosing into your discussion and offering unsolicited advice, the triangle is merely annoying, but still creates a Villain, a Victim, and a Hero.  If there is a negative intention, you now have a toxic triangle, where you may feel the effects long after the discussion.  In either case, which one do you think you will be?  No doubt, you don't need this in your day!

                                             Villain
                                                             .
                                                           .   .
                                                         .       .
                                                       .           .
                                       Victim   ...............   Hero
                                                       

Learn to recognize this destructive communication style and then intentionally remove yourself from the discussion. This happens among family members, the care team, children, and peers.  Awareness is key.  Once you've recognized the situation as a triangle, extricate yourself, disengage, and then re- engage when you can discuss the matter one-on-one.   

This is a drama you can identify and avoid. 

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team 

LIVE: Self Check-In

So often as caregivers, we are running so hard, putting ourselves last, and not realizing we are burnt out until we fall ill. Or, we know we’re overwhelmed, but we accept it without question.  What happens when the caregiver is down for the count - the wheels have a tendency to come off, don't they?

Make a promise to yourself to Check-In at least weekly. Better yet, do the same with a trusted caregiver or friend as an “accountability partner” so you don’t neglect to consider your own health.

 Ask these questions to start:

·         Am I eating well? Skipping meals, snacking too much?

·         Do I laugh each day?  Red flag if you don't find something amusing each day, even if you don't laugh out loud. How many times do we text LOL, but not DO it?

·       Am I drinking enough water?  Do I exist on coffee and soda instead?

·         Do I spend quiet time, reflective time, prayer, or meditation each day?

·         Am I sleeping well or enough? 

·         Am I getting any exercise?

·       Do I interact with others each day?  In-person is preferable, but at least by phone to hear a voice or online if all else fails?

If you're aware that you’re not checking in, or struggling when you do, we urge you to talk to someone professionally. Many physicians are only now realizing the strain caregivers carry and how to assist you, but it's growing.  Seek community resources such as faith-based counseling, or call Give An Hour (www.GiveAnHour.org) for cost-free help.  

Life is so precious and perhaps you cannot change your situation, but you can change aspects of taking care of you.

Caregivers are the heartbeat of the family, and make the active choice to care for you.

Linda Kreter & the

VeteranCaregiver Team

LEAD: Self-Development

Caregivers of all eras say they miss their personal time to learn and remain sharp and inquisitive.  How do you find the time to keep growing intellectually, when caregiving is your priority?

A path of life-long learning keeps you sharper and more engaged, though caregivers often feel too weary or too constrained to begin.  First, know that you are learning each day as you walk this caregiver journey, and the skills you nurture along the way will eventually be clear and valuable to you when you look back.

As you consider one day at a time, begin a mind-shift to seek those small pockets of time that might be possible for you. There are some powerful “time-suckers” in each day, but if you can find even 15 minutes you devote to yourself, you will feel empowered.  Feel guilty?  Try not to, as small bits of respite time improve your caregiving.  There’s a good reason that on an airplane, the flight attendant tells you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. Yes, there are times this is impossible, but if you make the choice to find that small pocket of time, you won’t be as drained.  Hope is an energizer.

Reading quietly may challenge, but try turning your drive times into a mobile leadership class with an audio book.  That waiting time at the VA?  Listen to 15 minutes of good content or about a topic you care about. Turn your otherwise “wasted time” into a learning university.  You can download audio books free from the public library and listen to 15 minutes of meditation, your topic of interest, leadership or inspirational messages.

Leadership expert, Jim Rohn says that if you spend more time working on yourself than your job (caregiving), that the rest of your life is altered positively by what you've learned.  As you become involved in learning new things, you are also more inclined to talk about them and move outside your personal shell or bubble.  Sharing those thoughts with others spurs engagement and may inspire them to think differently too.  Sharing your new knowledge or perspective is reinforced by voicing it to someone else.  It's growth!

Think of yourself as a hermit crab who lives in a shell that fits his size.  Isn't it time you grew in learning new ways to think, vary your viewpoint, and learn empowering, positive skills - in your spare moments?  Be the hermit crab that grows to need a larger shell and grow during every phase of your life!

Linda Kreter & 

VeteranCaregiver Team