Greetings,
Lately we’ve been noting how many times people are surprised
at a comment or statistic about Caregivers of veterans. It made us think that compiling several of them
might make more of you aware of what people don’t know, and therefore they
cannot offer to help you. So, in the
spirit of hoping others may read this (or you can send it to them), here is a
brief and incomplete listing – feel free to add to the list! This just might make your family holidays a
bit easier?
1.
“The VA takes care of all medical care for your
veteran and you, what are you complaining about?” (The VA takes care of the Vet’s care and Caregivers
receive CHAMPVA or TRICARE depending on service status, caregiver program, and
other factors, but not all care is covered for the caregiver. It can be very hard to find a doctor who
takes CHAMPVA or who understands PTSD, so don’t assume life is “easy”.)
2.
“As a Caregiver, you are paid for your work.” (Not in every case and not at market pricing
for commercial caregivers. It is very challenging to explain to others what a "typical" day looks like, but the pay is not why you do what you do, but it helps meet the bills that stress you. Ask that person to accompany you on your next set of doctor visits; it may open their eyes and their hearts.)
3.
“Besides, s/he’s your husband/adult child, you
should take care of them just because you love them.” (Judgment by others not familiar with your
days of constantly being on edge, dealing with a large bureaucracy, trying to
apply logic to an illogical system, scheduling countless appointments, juggling
20 medications carefully, and being bone-tired has nothing to do with paybacks
for love. Visible and invisible injuries
take a great deal of patience and work to manage with the care team. It’s hard
to keep the train on the tracks. This is
why there is a Caregiver program at VA that covers at least some of your needs
because it’s fairly obvious that if you all dropped off your vet at the VA that
the system would crumble rapidly. These
may be people you don’t need in your life…)
4.
“You should get a therapist if you are stressed or
not sleeping.” (That might be the case,
but being a Caregiver is draining and stressful at times, and only a clinician
can advise you. Having said that,
talking with your peers or a professional might lighten your load. We bristle when we hear the words "you should"...)
5.
“Never continue the conversation if the
Caregiver is in tears.” (We
disagree. We think this is a perfect
time for active listening and compassion.
If you can’t let down with those you’re close to or who need you, they
miss out on an opportunity for support.
Be a safe haven for them.)
6.
“Don’t discuss talk of suicide or suicidal
thoughts if the Caregiver brings it up.”
(This is an excellent time to compassionately listen, and to also ask if
they need other resources and professionals to discuss this serious topic. If they are seemingly a danger to themselves
or others, call emergency services. If
you are unsure, a call to the VA Lifeline would be appropriate to ask what to
do for support. Sometimes, though, just
providing a shoulder and a kind ear calms the anxious moment and the
almost-crisis moment passes. However,
when in doubt, always reach out for help!)
7.
“PTSD and TBI are excuses for acting like a
jerk!” (Perhaps, but unless you’re a
physician and know the background and medical record of the veteran, the
symptoms of either PTSD or TBI may not be managed well, or needs may have
changed. Educate yourself on both, and
know what to look for when medications are changed or someone is in denial over
needing help. Great resources exist on
both conditions, and alternative therapies may work when traditional first-line
therapies aren’t working. No two vets
are alike. No two Caregivers are either.)
8.
“You’re not the one with PTSD – s/he is!” (Potentially false. Secondary PTSD or Generational PTSD are the
terms used for the cumulative effect of being around those with PTSD and having
to alter your normal way of living to accommodate the veteran with PTSD. Insomnia, hyper-vigilance, walking on
eggshells, avoiding surprising someone, isolation, and altered communication
may indicate that the Caregiver needs supportive clinical care also. Again, it helps to educate yourself and your
family so they don’t inadvertently trigger a situation unwittingly.)
9.
“S/he’s been back for two years, what’s the
problem?” (War is hell. People come back from war changed, and they
change those around them. Physical loss
doesn’t get easier and invisible injuries are still misunderstood. There are Vietnam vets who have suppressed
their emotions and experiences for 40 years and they suffer still. There is not a timeframe for “getting better”. Please do not judge Caregivers or veterans on
their issues; judgment is not yours to make.
Offer resources, a gentle ear, and recognize that everyone heals at
their own pace and with appropriate care.)
10.
“You need to make time for yourself – you’re
running yourself ragged!” (We think
that each and every Caregiver has probably heard this at one time or
another. And, if you have run yourself
ragged by always putting others first, then please, ask for and access respite
care, a half-day off, or even begin seizing 15-minute intervals to breathe. Consider that if you fall down, the entire
family structure will wobble. Don’t
underestimate your critical role; you are the heartbeat of the family and you
matter, so taking care of yourself is critical.
To family members, please keep offering help proactively so that
the Caregiver knows you really mean it. Caregivers
are an independent, resourceful group, so coax them to lean on you and be there
when they do.)
There are many more, but this posting is long enough. We wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, and may you
have a calm and peaceful holiday.
Linda Kreter & the VeteranCaregiver Team
